How To Flirt With Your Ex (Build Tension)

If you want your ex back, you may be tempted to just go to them, tell them your feelings and hope they jump right into your arms.

But the truth is that this almost never works…usually it scares your ex away before you have a chance to reconnect with them.

Instead, you need to rebuild their attraction for you slowly.

You need to create excitement, anticipation, and tension. And one of the best ways to do this is through flirting.

1. Create Tension

This is one of the primary reasons we flirt, even if we don’t know it. Of course, you think I’m talking about sexual tension here… and yes, you do want your ex to feel the heat.

But sex isn’t your end goal here…I’ll explain more in a second. What I’m really talking about is ANOTHER type of tension. Namely, you want your ex to wonder whether you’re actually interested or if you’re just kidding around.

This is why flirting is so powerful. If done correctly, the other person can never be sure how serious you are about the things that you’re saying. If you just come out and say it, all the tension disappears. But if you keep it subtle and mysterious, it can really drive your ex wild.

And once you have them thinking about you and wondering about your intentions, even when you’re not around, you’re on the path to winning them back.

2. Remind Them Of The Past

One of the things that sets you apart from all the other people who are interested in your ex–and trust me, they’re out there–is that you two have a history together. Sure, things haven’t been so great recently, but I’m sure that you have some AMAZING memories together that you can draw on when flirting with your ex.

For instance, you can bring up a trip you went on together. Or an amazing restaurant where you shared a meal. If things are progressing, you can talk about a special night you spent together…maybe your first time or a special anniversary.

Obviously I don’t know your particular relationship…that’s the point… Only you have access to these memories so only you can attract your ex in this particular way.

3. Start Slow

Flirting is about subtlety. Remember, you’re trying to build something real with this person, not take them home from a bar at 2 in the morning.

With that in mind, you have to take it extremely slow here if you want your flirting to have any effect. So when you first reach out, don’t feel the need to flirt at all. Just be friendly and interesting and let things build from there. Wait until the time is right to flirt and it’s going to have a much more powerful effect than if you come out swinging in the first message.

4. Tease your ex

If you want to create tension, you need to vary how you interact with your ex. Obviously being friendly and interested should be your default but you also want to push them a little bit to keep things exciting. Teasing is the best way to do this.

Now, teasing can be tricky but you know your ex and you know how they respond to this kind of behaviour. So just poke fun at them lightly. Try giving them a silly nickname. Or bring up a stupid mistake they made that one time.

Just don’t make fun of them for anything they’re genuinely insecure about. So if your ex is ten years older than you and this created issues in the relationship, then that’s not a good thing to tease them about.

But if they’re 4 months older than you then calling them “grandpa” or “old timer” or speaking loudly as though they’re going deaf is something that might make them laugh.

Remember, you know your ex better than I do so use that knowledge to find something to bug them about. Just always do it with a smile on your face so they know that you don’t mean anything by it.

5. Be Competitive

This falls under the heading of teasing but it’s more specific. A great way to tease and flirt with your ex is to find little things to compete over and pretend to take it really seriously. So maybe something like “I’m going to destroy you at ping pong” can bring out their competitive side.

From there you can say something like “what do I get when I beat you?” And when they ask what you want, just smile and change the subject.

There are a million different ways to take this one. Any little game can become an opportunity to flirt with your ex.

6. Be Mysterious

Remember that flirting is about creating tension and intrigue. That means you can’t let your intentions be too obvious. You need your ex to wonder if you’re even interested at all.

It’s not always clear how to make this happen. I mean, your ex knows you pretty well so it’s not like you can keep your past, your interests or your family a secret from them, right?

But think about what they don’t know. They don’t know how your life has changed since the breakup. They don’t know how you feel about them. They don’t know why you’re reaching out to them. Use this information to your advantage.

Basically, don’t be a completely open book. So maybe if they ask you if you’ve been dating, dodge the question a little bit. They don’t need to know exactly what you’ve been up to.

A great way to be mysterious is by deflecting questions and making jokes. Too much of this can be annoying but if you can sprinkle it in here and there it will get your ex wondering and asking more questions.

And of course, this applies to flirting as well. Don’t say “I’d love to sleep with you again because you turn me on so much.” Something like “I just wish we could be alone together” conveys much of the same idea to your ex, without being so obvious and crude.

7. Use Compliments

Complimenting your ex is such an important part of flirting but you need to do it sparingly and in a very targeted way. What I mean is, don’t just text them a compliment out of the blue…let them come up naturally.

So maybe they’re telling you about some trouble they’ve been having at work. Say something like “I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution…you’ve always been so good at solving problems.”

This is the kind of compliment that can hit your ex like a ton of bricks. They’ll be thinking about it all day.

That’s why I say that you shouldn’t be too complimentary, especially early on in the attraction process. The less you compliment your ex, the more power your compliments are going to have.

And again, be specific. “You’re so hot” can be nice but pointing out a specific feature is always going to have more impact.

And if you combine a compliment with a little tease, you can really help build that tension between the two of you. For example, “you’re pretty cute… for someone from Kelowna.” It’s stupid but it works.

Just don’t be TOO nice to your ex or you could risk coming across as pathetic.

8. Understand your ex

My advice here is intended for anyone trying to get their ex back, but that means it’s pretty general. So don’t just take what I say word-for-word and use it on your ex without personalizing it.

You need to let your knowledge of your ex inform your flirting strategy. Are they competitive? Then dial up the trash talk when you play pool. Are they really sensitive? Then maybe teasing them is off the table.

It can feel like a tall order to take all of this into account when you’re talking to your ex, but you’re already doing it, for the most part.

Just try to be aware of what you know about them and how they react to the things you say and you’ll be alright. This is where taking it slow can really help because it helps you to avoid mistakes and connect with your ex more effectively.

9. Be Interested

I think it can be easy to get caught up in your feelings towards your ex and forget that they’re a real person with feelings. Don’t make this mistake. Give your ex your full attention whenever you speak to them or spend time with them. This kind of focus will not only endear you to them but it will allow you more opportunities to flirt.

Canned pickup lines rarely work when it comes to flirting because they aren’t tied to the situation or the person you’re speaking to so they feel impersonal and cheesy.

Leading with interest is a much better approach because it shows your ex that you care and that you’re genuinely engaged and listening to what they’re saying. Remember, you’re looking to reconnect with this person in the moment, so give them your focus.

10. Pull Back

Now we’ve talked about how you shouldn’t overdo flirting with your ex or it’s going to lose its impact. This is why pulling away from your ex here and there can have a powerful effect on them. Remember we’re creating anticipation so you need to give them space to breathe and wonder about your feelings.

If you are really friendly towards them one day and the next you don’t answer their message for six hours, this is going to pique their interest.

This is a balancing act. You don’t want your ex to think that you’re playing games or that you actually aren’t interested. But you also don’t want to overwhelm them and appear needy.

Being—or appearing—busy is the key here. If they think you’re out there living your life, they aren’t going to be upset that you’re not responding right away. They’ll also wonder what it is that’s keeping you so busy. Friends? New hobbies? Someone new you’re seeing? All good things for your ex to be wondering about.

The same goes for how you interact with them. Don’t always flirt back.

It’s okay to be a bit cold and distant at times. This is only natural. If you’re too red hot all the time there will be no mystery about your intentions so they won’t feel that same heat when you reach out to them.

11. Be Silly

Being goofy or silly can really elevate your flirting with your ex. Now I’ve never been a very silly person so don’t take my advice on this one, but I know that it works for so many of my clients. I’ll just say that you know your ex’s sense of humour. You know how to make them laugh. Use this knowledge, be a bit wacky and make the effort to connect with them in this way.

So doing a funny voice, telling a stupid joke or doing an extended bit can all work here. The important thing is that you’re putting yourself out there and showing your ex that you’ll make the effort to make them laugh.

12. Be Real

A lot of my advice on this list has been about keeping your ex in suspense about your feelings by essentially sending mixed signals. This is great but at some point it can be even more powerful to get real with them.

Use this VERY sparingly. Remember, you don’t want to get into deep emotional conversations with your ex. This will just cause more drama and remind them of the breakup.

But say you’ve been spending more time together with this person, you’ve just had an awesome date where you laughed and shared a great meal. If things are going well, just grab their hand, look in their eyes and say “it’s really nice spending time with you again. I missed this.” And leave it at that.

A single moment like this can really transform the tenor of the relationship in a powerful way and make your ex’s stomach fill with butterflies.

13. “You Wish”

This one is a little tricky to pull off so save it until you two are really starting to click again. It’s essentially another way of teasing your ex. You want to accuse them of lusting after you. So maybe you have to take off your hoodie and your shirt comes up a little. Say something like “hey, no peeking” or “I know I didn’t just catch you checking me out” or “hey, my eyes are up here.”

You see what I mean, right? It’s a bit silly but it can create a fun little moment with your ex. Maybe they deny it and you go “sure” and then smile at them. Or maybe they admit to it and then you can push it further. “I bet you were thinking about BLANK.”

But again, don’t overdo it here. Just get them engaged and then change the subject. You’ll have their heart racing if you do this correctly.

14. Keep It Light

I’ve talked a little about not getting into deep conversations with your ex–essentially, that’s what flirting is all about. But flirting can easily get out of hand and pretty soon you’re talking about how much you love them and miss them and need them back in your life…Don’t let this happen to you.

This is why I’m always saying to change the subject, avoid the question and keep things moving. Stick to less serious topics of conversation and make laughing and joking your main focus, at least early on.

15. Don’t Sleep With Them (Right Away)

If your ex responds well to your flirting, you’re both going to be thinking about sex, but you don’t want to act on these thoughts too soon.

Remember you’re trying to create anticipation and tension. If you jump into bed–as much fun as you might have–all the tension will be gone as soon as you’re done.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sleep with your ex eventually, but hold it off until the moment is right and use it to get closer to them.

Basically you want to know that things are moving in the right direction and that this is about more than just sex…it’s about reconnecting in a real way. Corny, I know but it is important.

16. Don’t Overdo it

I’ve said this over and over again, but it bears repeating: a little flirting goes a long way. Your goal isn’t to flirt as hard and fast as possible with your ex. It’s to create excitement. And anything that becomes repetitive is no longer exciting.

So if you think you’re flirting too much, you definitely are. And if you’re not sure, then you probably are as well. Take it down a notch, pull away and give your ex some space. That way, the next time you flirt with them it will hit that much harder.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.