What Avoidants Feel When You Go No Contact

If you’ve been through a breakup with an avoidant, you know it can feel like they don’t even miss you.

So then how is No Contact supposed to work? Aren’t you just giving them what they want?

How are you supposed to make them miss you when they just wanted space from you in the first place?

Well the truth is that No Contact actually affects avoidants more than you think.

They might actually be the group who is the most impacted by this technique, even though they’d never admit it.

And that’s because of what it does to their psychology and their self image.

Attachment styles are so important when it comes to understanding our relationships and our breakups.

If you know someone’s attachment style, you know how certain actions will make them feel and that’s the key to winning a person back.

So, how does No Contact affect someone with an avoidant attachment style? We’ll talk about how they’ll react, but first, how is No Contact going to make them feel?

1. They’ll feel lonely

Yes, avoidants feel loneliness just like the rest of us. It may seem like avoidants don’t want or need other people but, in my experience, that’s really more of a facade…it’s not real.

Avoidants are just people who have been hurt. They have trouble connecting with the people they care about so their default move is to take space to avoid intimacy and the threat of being hurt again. It’s that simple.

But avoidants don’t actually want space. If they truly wanted to be alone, they could easily make that happen. They could avoid romantic relationships, friendships and personal connections. But they don’t.

They allow people into their lives, only to put up walls and keep them out. This pattern repeats itself again and again.

Because of this, avoidants will often feel lonely and alone, even in a relationship. It’s the problem the avoidant is always trying to solve and this problem feels most pressing after a relationship ends and their ex goes No Contact.

Loneliness is extra triggering for avoidants because of how they struggle to maintain relationships and keep people in their lives. So a loss of a relationship is tough for them because they know how hard it will be to let someone in again.

This feeling alone can make them realize how important you are and have them come running back to you.

And that loneliness is always going to be worse because of number two on this list:

2. They’ll feel like it’s their fault for pushing you away

I’m sure many times in your relationship, your ex made you feel like you were too much. You wanted too much closeness, you were too affectionate, you were too interested, too sappy. But the truth is that they loved those qualities about you, as much as they pushed back against them.

What they really didn’t like is that they were never able to feel comfortable reciprocating the way they wanted to…the way they knew you deserved.

Because avoidance is ultimately a fear of intimacy. And part of that fear is because this person lacks the skills necessary to connect with another person deeply.

They struggle to let you in. They knew that you needed more and doubted their own ability to give it to you.

So they pushed you away and in doing so, they created the situation that led to the breakup itself. They wanted to make it seem like it was your fault, that you were too intense, but really, deep down they feel responsible.

And it’s that guilt, that shame, that will drive them back into your arms. Because they know that that’s the only way to make this right and break the cycle they’ve been feeding into for so long.

3. They’ll miss being chased

There’s a cycle that’s created when an avoidant dates an anxious person. It’s a push-pull dynamic. The anxious person holds tight and the avoidant pushes away.

Now this is an uncomfortable situation, as I’m sure you know, but—as with anything—if you do it long enough, it becomes familiar and comfortable, in a way. So the avoidant has pushed you away and is waiting for you to come running back, trying to win their attention and love all over again.

They won’t necessarily give it up at this point, but they will enjoy the charge they get from being wanted and desired by you.

But when you go No Contact, they’re going to miss that feeling of being chased, being sought after. And without that feeling, they won’t feel so desirable. They’ll say to themselves “I guess I’m not as attractive as I thought, if my ex isn’t even trying to get me back.”

This can send them into a spiral of questioning their choice to end the relationship and push you away.

4. They’ll miss your presence in their life

Yes, we’ve talked a lot about what your ex is going to feel in the abstract but I think the biggest thing that No Contact does is deny them something they want: you.

Because they’re always being chased, avoidants tend to take their partners for granted and so they don’t appreciate all the good things. Now that they’re being denied your presence, they’re going to start to miss you like crazy.

It’ll be the big things at first: the way you’d always be there to talk to them. Your physical touch and your presence. But often it’s the little things that hurt the most. They’ll miss your smell and your jokes and how you always get them a glass of water or a little treat from the grocery store.

They’ll even miss the things that bugged them about you. That’s just how love can be. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

5. They’ll be afraid that you’re upset

I think avoidants are pretty used to feeling like the bad guy in their relationships. And that’s because of that cycle of pushing people away. I mean this makes sense, right? If the goal is to form a bond and create a life together, the person standing in the way of that is the one in the wrong.

So when you go No Contact after the breakup, they’re going to be worried that you’re angry at them for causing the breakup. So your avoidant ex feels blamed both by you and by themselves. This can be a difficult feeling for them to shake and it’s going to really bring them down.

6. They’ll feel empathy

Going No Contact with an avoidant is effectively giving them a taste of their own medicine.

They’ll immediately start to feel how bad they’ve made you feel throughout the relationship and this is going to hit them hard.

They’ll start to empathize with you and see you as a more fully formed person, rather than just some image they’ve had of you as their clingy ex.

This is why it’s important not to let up when you go No Contact. You can’t do this in half measures. But how do you actually make this happen?

This is a good question to consider because you need to handle No Contact differently than you would normally, when your ex is avoidant. And that’s because of the seventh thing your avoidant ex will feel when you cut them off:

7. They’ll feel relief

So we’ve talked about how pushing people away hurts both the person being boxed out and the avoidant themselves. But avoidants do get something out of it, or they’d never do it.

Because they fear intimacy, when they reject it, they feel an immense amount of relief.

They no longer feel like they have to cater to someone else’s needs. They no longer feel pressured to do things that scare and destabilize them. They get a huge sense of freedom and safety, knowing that you’re not relying on them for that intimacy anymore.

And while that may be hard to hear, it’s important to realize because it affects how you should approach No Contact. The good news is that this sense of relief is quite temporary. It’s going to fade after just a few weeks and leave your ex sitting with all the other feelings we’ve talked about: regret, loneliness, and despair.

Winning Back Your Avoidant Ex

In order to get your avoidant ex back, you need to give them a bit more time before you reach out and start the reattraction phase. If you reach out too early you’re just going to send them back into fight or flight and they’ll go running for the hills, the way that they love to do. You need to wait them out.

So how long should you add to the No Contact Period? Some people say it takes six months for no contact to affect an avoidant! I think that’s too aggressive and your ex will most likely move on after that period of time, unless you were in a very serious relationship for many, many years.

I say that you should add at least a couple extra weeks to your No Contact period when dealing with an avoidant ex. So it should be definitely over 30 days. Probably more like 45 days or more if you really want it to work. This is going to be hard for you but it will be even harder for your avoidant ex.

Now let’s answer a few of the obvious questions about avoidants that I keep getting. First, why hasn’t my ex reached out? Why doesn’t it feel like No Contact isn’t affecting them at all?

The answer is that the way they react is different from how they feel. An avoidant is more likely to respect your silence and not push, at least at first. So stay strong and don’t take their lack of messages to mean anything other than the fact that they’re processing.

And remember that they’re comfortable with space so they’ll be afraid to break the silence, at least for a little while. You may find avoidants reaching out to you as time goes on when they realize that you’re serious. But as I said, it’s going to take a bit.

Next, I get asked if No Contact is a bad idea with an avoidant ex. Doesn’t this just create a stalemate? Maybe you should actually stay in their life? Be their friend?

Actually, an avoidant would love it if you were their friend. Many avoidants will try to keep you around this way. Normally, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be friends with your ex. In this situation, I’d say do not, under any circumstances be friends with your ex.

Avoidant exes would love to keep you in their life but at a distance. This is where they’re most comfortable.

This way you can stroke their ego and give them attention but on their terms. You can’t have access to them the way you would as a partner and you can’t make as many demands on them.

This is the ideal situation for the avoidant. Or at least, for the part of them that is afraid of intimacy.

So don’t do them this favor if you want them back. Because they’re perfectly happy being your friend and having you pine after them in secret forever. It’ll just never work.

Remember, even if it doesn’t feel like it, No Contact will work on your avoidant ex because it makes them miss you more than anything else.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.