Why Your Ex Won’t Talk To You (What To Do)
How can you get your ex back if they won’t even talk to you?
Let’s take things one step at a time. First, you need to figure out why they’ve gone cold and then you need to take steps to get back in contact.
Here are ten possible reasons why your ex is ignoring you. Do any of these apply to you?
1. They don’t know what you want
If your ex doesn’t know your intentions, they may close themselves off out of fear of the unknown.
They’re thinking “Why are they texting me? What do they want?”
This doesn’t mean they necessarily don’t want to talk to you but they don’t know what you’re looking for.
This one is especially common if you broke up with them or things ended on an uncertain note.
You need to be clear about why you’re looking to reconnect and go into conversations with an agenda so there’s a clear direction to the conversation.
2. They don’t know what to say
When you’re in a relationship with someone, talking is easy. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that you decide to make things official. You want to know what one another has to say. After a breakup, things are not so clearcut. This split is a huge interruption in your normal back and forth.
If they only know you as their partner, it’s possible that they don’t know how to relate to you as an ex.
They’re probably thinking, “Am I supposed to just act like everything is normal?”
In this case you need to make sure that you choose your words carefully, avoid anything painful or negative, and provide something low stakes and easy to talk about to begin rebuilding the connection.
3. They’re trying to get over you
You may be surprised to know that this is the best case scenario. If they are ignoring you and cutting you out to try to get over you then this can only mean one thing: they aren’t yet over you. If they had no feelings for you then there would be no reason to ignore you, right?
In this scenario they will ignore your messages and attempts at contact altogether in the hopes that you’ll just go away.
4. You’ve lost their respect
This one comes up when they dump you in a pretty harsh way and you don’t stop going after them.
If you’ve been particularly pathetic and needy or if you’ve begged them to take you back then this is probably your situation.
Even if they’re not aware of it, they know that they don’t need to treat you with respect to get you to stick around so they can ignore you until they feel like responding.
You’ll know this is the situation you’re in if you’ll have good conversations every so often but then they suddenly drop off the map for no reason.
5. You aren’t listening
If they’ve been clear about it being over or have told you particular problems that you need to address and you’re not making an effort to do so, then they could be ignoring you because you aren’t listening.
“I don’t know how to get through to you.”
People don’t like talking to a brick wall. If you keep sweeping things under the rug, you risk losing them forever.
6. You’re not giving them what they want
If they want something from you and you’re not giving it to them, why would they want to talk to you?
Make an effort to understand their emotional needs and fulfill them whenever possible. This could mean being a shoulder to cry on, validating their feelings, or even just making them laugh.
If the conversations you’ve had since the breakup are way different in tone and subject matter than the ones you had while together, then it’s no wonder that they’ve stopped talking to you.
7. Things are too fresh
If it’s only been a few days then you should give it a rest. When the wounds are fresh, reaching out can only hurt your chances of getting them back. This will give them the indication that you don’t take the breakup seriously.
“Just leave me alone for awhile.”
You can’t just act like nothing happened. You need to show them you respect their decision for now even if you’re planning to fight for them in the future.
If you’re skeptical about this strategy, read this article about not contacting your ex after a breakup in order to win them back.
8. You’re pestering
No one likes to be bugged. If your response to being ignored is to get even more aggressive then you should reconsider your approach.
I know it is frustrating and you just want things back the way they were but reaching out over and over when you’re not getting a response is only going to drive them further away and make them less likely to want to talk to you.
9. They’re confused
This isn’t the worst thing in the world. If your ex doesn’t know what they want, they may be ignoring you in order to avoid giving you false hope or getting sucked back in. They want to sort out their feelings for you before they resume contact to avoid misunderstandings.
“I just don’t know. . .”
This is the sign of someone emotionally mature who has both of your best interests at heart. Give them time to work it out and show them that you’re also mature by respecting their space.
10. You make them feel bad
This one is pretty simple. Relationships with an ex can be fraught and full of negativity. If you keep bringing up what went wrong, insulting them, or trying to hurt them then congratulations, it worked. You hurt them so much that they no longer want to talk to you.
“I can’t make you feel better.”
You’re upset and you have a right to be but what is more important: getting an apology or getting your ex back?
If they truly mistreated you and refuse to apologize or make amends then you should move on. If it’s something you’re willing to move past then you have to make the effort to let it go.
How can you get your ex to talk to you?
If you’re going to get your ex back, you’re going to need to reestablish contact. Here’s the game plan that will make your ex talk to you so you can get things going again.
Take things slow
Less is more when you’re trying to get things going again with your ex. This situation is tricky and it requires subtlety. Don’t try to contact them very frequently (better yet, leave them alone for a month or more first!) and when you do, have a reason for it.
If you ask a question that only they can answer then they’re not going to think that you’re asking for the wrong reasons.
When you speak, don’t drag out the conversation but be courteous. You want them to get used to the idea that talking to you in small doses is okay and doesn’t hurt them or cost them anything. This is a simple trick to reestablish contact.
Date others
This step is hard to take but it can cause an extremely positive reaction in you and them. It will make them jealous and worry about losing you while also giving you confidence.
If they’ve lost respect for you then seeing you with someone else (or hearing about it through friends) will show them that you’re valuable and will subconsciously make them miss you.
This is one of the best ways to make your ex chase you.
Step up your game
Actions always speak louder than words. If the breakup happened because of some shortcoming or personal problem on your part, you need to make an effort to correct this behaviour.
In any case, taking concrete steps towards bettering yourself will improve your ex’s perceptions of you. It can be as small as getting a haircut or as big as quitting drinking but make sure it’s something that your ex will notice.
Make them miss you
If you kept reaching out to your ex even when they didn’t respond, then now is the time to stop. When you show them that they don’t need to treat you with respect or attention and you’ll still chase after them then they won’t feel the need to give you the time of day.
Give them space and they’ll start to wonder why you stopped coming around and begin to miss you. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Provide positive value
You’ve probably realized by now that negativity doesn’t make your ex want to be around you. If you can provide them with something positive in every interaction then you’re more likely to get them back.
Whether this is just making them laugh, giving them support or giving them a ride to the airport, if you can be someone they rely on then they’re going to want you around more and more.
Keep the emotional connection alive
This is as important as it is difficult. You don’t want to overdo it with love and affection or they will see through you and pull away. But you should try to remind them of the good times whenever possible.
Try to make them laugh and forget their worries. Do what you can to make them think about past experiences you two have shared.
Show them how good you two are together and how much you value you them and they’ll realize that it’s a big mistake to let you go.
Jessica Boss
Jessica Boss is your trusted guide through the mysterious world of dating, relationships, and breakups. She's a 'romance geek', a regular contributor to numerous publications and journals, and an experienced relationship coach with a genuine passion for helping others create and maintain stable, loving relationships.