7 Tips to Avoid Seeming Desperate

Thirsty, clingy, needy, attention seeking, these are all ways to describe a desperate dude. We’ve all seen those wounded puppy dog eyes just waiting to be loved, adored and cherished. And while those are cute descriptors for a dog, for men, being desperate is the ultimate turn off to women in dating.

I understand that it is unintentional to come off as desperate. But it is something that you need to pay attention to if you want to attract women. If women are treating you hot and cold, it’s most likely because they think that you are pining for their attention. If you are someone who is coming off as desperate to women, but you aren’t meaning to, I’ve got some tips on how to avoid doing so.

1. Text Sparingly

The first way to avoid coming across as desperate is to stop texting a girl more than she is texting you. Do me a favor, scroll through your previous conversation. Notice who has done all the talking. Is it her? Is it you? If it’s you, then you need to understand that you are the needy one here. If you have text messages that have gone unanswered by her, then you can’t text her back relentlessly hoping that she will respond to the next one.

Blowing up a girl’s phone is a surefire way to put yourself in the desperate dater category. A good rule of thumb is to not text her more than twice in a row.

And mirror her actions. What I mean by that is that if you text her and she responds three hours later with a one word answer. Mirror those actions. Don’t text her back right away, and don’t respond in paragraph form.

2. Be Confident/Comfortable Being Alone

I know the feeling of wanting to hang out every day with your crush. It’s like when a little kid gets a puppy or kitten and they are infatuated by it and just can’t let it go and want to squeeze it so tightly. But smothering your crush and asking to hangout every day sends off her clingy radar. And this can really hurt your chances of being with a girl. Especially if she is a more independent woman.

Space is crucial and you need to be respectful of it and get comfortable being independent yourself.

Make yourself busy with things that excite you! Or take up a new hobby or sport. Try taking an art, academic or athletic class that fills your time.

Be busy and interesting. It will make you seem more attractive and that you are living your life for yourself and not waiting around for someone else. This way you offer her companionship not a rescue mission.

3. Avoid Being Too Nice

Don’t get trapped in the nice guy category: The “OMG, he’s so nice.”

You can be kind and nice but not too nice to the point that you’re being taken advantage of.

I’m not saying be mean. But if you are overly complimentary to a girl and pay for everything all the time, sometimes that kind of kindness can be taken advantage of by the wrong girl.

Avoid giving her too many compliments. After a while, this can come off as creepy to a girl. You can offer her a compliment every once in a while, but if you’re too nice, you will enter into friend zone territory, which is what we want to avoid.

4. Avoid Being Too Available

Nothing says desperate or I have no life like accepting an offer to hang out five minutes before the start time when you haven’t heard from this person in days.

Or if you let someone ditch you and then are readily available the next time they want to hang out, you are sending out signs of desperation. And while, yes, you don’t want to play games, you also need to instruct this person, through your actions and responses, how they are going to treat you. People want what they can’t have. If you make yourself unavailable, you will have them wanting you.

It is important at the beginning of any relationship that you set boundaries right from the beginning because you are educating this person on how they are going to treat you.

For example, let’s say your crush calls you at 5:50pm and wants to meet for dinner at 6pm. You want to see them, but you also don’t want to set a precedent that this kind of behavior is acceptable and you also don’t want to play games, but you should say, “I’m busy tonight, but let’s set something up for another time.” This lets that person know that they cannot contact you ten minutes prior to wanting to hang out. This says, plan something with me.

With this, too, comes a level of self-respect. In order for anyone to respect you and your time, you need to respect yourself and get comfortable setting boundaries and, subtly, through your actions and responses, educate people on how you want to be treated.

A person who has enough self-respect to walk away from someone who doesn’t treat them well is not considered desperate.

This brings us to our next point.

5. Learn To Let Go

If your happiness is dependent on someone else’s actions, then I’m afraid that you are considered to be desperate. Don’t cling to someone who makes you feel worthless. Ask yourself if that is really the type of person you want to be around. And if so, prepare to be mistreated. Know when enough is enough and when to move on.

6. Spend Time With Your Friends

To avoid coming across as desperate, don’t ditch your friends last minute to hang out with your crush.

Would you want your friends doing this to you? Probably not. When you ditch your friends for your crush, you also lower your standards with how you want to be treated, and how you treat other people. Your friends are the ones that are there for you through good times and bad, so don’t neglect them. Include them or make time for them. But certainly, don’t ditch them just to hang out with your crush.

Desperate is someone who puts their life on hold to date you. And, well, that isn’t all that attractive.

7. Be Confident

This probably should have been at the top of the article; I’ve chosen to put it at the end in hopes that this is what you take away from it.

Be confident in yourself and the value that you offer to people. Confident people are rarely described as being desperate.

If you lack confidence, start exercising. Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. Check the quality of your thoughts about yourself, and if they are at all negative, change them, and then elevate them. Make them better.

Gaining confidence is one of the best ways that you can become attractive to women.

You don’t need to entertain women who mistreat you or won’t even take time out of their day to respond to your message or make a plan to hangout. Confidence is knowing that there are plenty of other women out there who will take time out of their day to respond to a text and to plan more than ten minutes in advance to hang out.

And there are women who can offer a lot more than that. And with confidence, you will meet them!

Kate Spring

Kate Spring is a men's dating & attraction coach from Vancouver, Canada. A recognized leader in helping men become irresistible to women, Kate works with clients from around the world, helping them to get the girl they want, and the relationship they deserve. Kate is the best-selling author of The Obsession Method, an award-winning attraction-building program. She also runs a popular men's dating advice channel on YouTube, with over 125,000 subscribers and nearly 15 million views to date.