Break Free From Your Situationship With Your Ex

After a breakup, it’s easy to get stuck in a “situationship” with your ex.

Are you still together? Just hooking up? Friends? Do you have a real future?

So many people end up in this kind of ambiguous no-man’s-land with their ex.

In fact, most couples who break up end up in some sort of situation like this, at least for a few weeks but it can last for months or years.

One study found that 53 % of people still sleep with their exes after a breakup.

But even if you aren’t sleeping together, if you’re still seeing your ex regularly after the breakup—and even if you’re just chatting, in some cases—then you’re in a situationship with your ex.

Don’t worry, I’m going to tell you what this means, how to tell what they want, and what you should do about it…whether you want them back, want to move on, and even if you don’t know.

If you do want a second chance with your ex (in other words, you want more than just this current ‘situationship’) I’ll share 6 steps to help you break free and convince your ex to re-commit to a real relationship.

But first off, let’s talk about what a situationship is, so we know what’s happening here.

What Is A Situationship?

Basically, a situationship is what we call it anytime you’re seeing someone and you’re not sure exactly what the rules are, what the relationship is and what it means.

Maybe things are so fresh that you haven’t had a chance to talk about it. Maybe one or both of you is avoiding the topic because you don’t want to screw it up. Maybe you want more and they’re just saying what you want to hear to keep you around.

Whatever the case, situationships are a fun time… until they’re not. In fact, by the time you start to use the word, you’re typically over all the ambiguity and wanting to define this thing, one way or the other.

The problem with situationships is that since they’re undefined, both people have different understandings of what they mean.

Maybe you think that it’s more serious and they’re actually dating 3 other people.

Maybe they think you’re the love of their life and you’re just looking for something casual while you look for someone you can actually see a future with.

They represent an issue with communication that will grow to create big problems sooner rather than later.

Some of you may be asking “Am I in a situationship or is this just a real relationship?”

Truthfully, if you have to ask that question, it’s not a real relationship.

At least not yet. Even if you both have the best intentions and want the same thing, until you’ve defined things, you can’t know for sure and so you can’t feel secure with this person.

At the other end of things, if you’ve hooked up with your ex once since the breakup and never really seen them or talked to them, I’d say that you’re actually not in a situationship. Situationships are rarely consistent but they do have to be ongoing so one hookup does not qualify.

But if you’ve been spending time with your ex, sleeping together, being romantic or even just hanging out—and you don’t know what the rules are—you ARE in a situationship.

Here are some other indicators:

• You’re afraid to discuss the situation with your ex because you don’t know how they’ll react
• You’re confused about your feelings and their feelings
• They’re very hot and cold and inconsistent
• You never make plans too far ahead or talk about the future
• You don’t know if they’re seeing other people

So then the question is, what–if anything–should you do about it?

And I actually will take a different approach than most people with this and say that you don’t necessarily have to do anything about it.

Yes, there are situations where being in a situationship with your ex is okay. It’s okay to just enjoy each other’s company and not put a label on it, depending on the situation and what you want.

Life can be lonely… You shouldn’t feel any shame about spending time with someone who you enjoy spending time with. Though it’s good to have standards, we also have to take our happiness where we can get it and there’s no use beating yourself up for having a little fun with your ex.

But it’s important to enter into this with your eyes open, knowing the potential pitfalls of a situationship with your ex. Especially if your goal is to get back into a real, committed romantic relationship again.

Accepting The Situationship With Your Ex

Here are the questions you need to ask yourself before you proceed:

#1 – Can I accept the ambiguity?

This is the hard part of any situationship. You don’t know how this person feels about you.

You don’t know what they want or what they need.

Are you able to accept not knowing or is it going to drive you crazy?

I’m guessing for many of you, the answer is probably no, you can’t accept the ambiguity long-term… but ask yourself nonetheless.

#2 – Am I okay with the relationship not being the same as it was?

Many people get into a situation like this with their ex hoping that it’s going to be the same relationship they had before the breakup, only to be disappointed to find out that things have changed.

You need to ask yourself if you’re okay with things being different, less intense and more distant.

Because you can’t expect the same kind of intimacy with your ex in this new scenario.

#3 – How would I feel if they found someone new and ended it?

This is the doom scenario for many people in situationships. The feeling of being thrown away when the other person finds someone better. And if this is how you’d feel then maybe a situationship is not for you.

On the flip side, if you can look at this as a temporary arrangement for both of you and you can accept that the breakup was an issue of compatibility, not your own shortcomings, then you’re in good shape.

So if they find someone new and decide to stop seeing you, it’s not because they like this person better, it’s that there’s compatibility there that you two don’t have, and that’s okay.

Still, it’s one thing to understand this on paper, but it can be really hard to actually internalize this, and if you know that it’s going to crush you to see them with someone new, then this isn’t going to work for you. It’s time to escape — so let’s talk about how to do that.

Escaping The Situationship

If you decide that it’s not going to work, then the real question becomes: what are your options?

And you really only have three options here: Cut things off completely and move on… stay in this situation and be miserable… or take steps to change the relationship into something that you can feel better about.

We’re talking about the third option: going from a situationship to a proper relationship.

First off, you do need to be aware that you may not be able to get what you want with your ex… a situationship might be all they’re willing to offer, despite your best efforts.

Most of the time, that’s not going to be the case, and you probably still have a chance — but just keep in mind that there’s always a chance your ex won’t accept anything more than the current status quo.

So, deciding to try and change the relationship and make it more committed and defined brings with it the risk that it won’t work out.

This is a scary possibility, but for most of you, I’m guessing you’re not happy with being in a ‘situationship’ or you wouldn’t be here.

So, let’s assume you want to try to create a real, exclusive, romantic relationship that is leading to a life together. How do you think your ex feels about that?

You’ve probably been looking at them with rose-coloured glasses since you decided you wanted them back.

You’ve been ignoring the red flags and focusing on every little shred of hope they’ve given you. Or overanalyzing every message they send you and every conversation you’ve had.

Now’s the time to stop lying to yourself. Take a step back and try to look at the big picture, note all the signs your ex has been sending you since the breakup, and evaluate where their head is at right now, as well as what it appears they want out of the relationship.

Progressing The Situationship

From here, it’s time to start pushing things into relationship territory.

#1. Pull back.

Part of the reason this situation has unfolded the way it has is because you’ve made yourself too available to your ex. You’ve shown them that you’re willing to be their situationship, rather than their partner.

The only way to change this is to change it. And since you can’t convince your ex to take you seriously with facts and logic, your only real option is to change your behaviour.

You don’t want to completely ghost your ex or anything like that. You just want to create some distance from them. The main thing here is that you don’t want to be available to your ex whenever they want. They can’t expect you to just come running and drop your plans to see them.

RELATED: The 6 Stages Your Ex Will Go Through After The Breakup

You’re not doing this out of spite or resentment, you’re doing it to show them that you have other priorities in your life outside of them. Because you can’t make them a priority if they won’t make you one.

Essentially, you’re managing their access to you. If they want more, they’re never going to take you seriously as a romantic option. So don’t let everything happen on their terms or you’ll never get the relationship you want.

#2. Be clear with what you want.

One of the big issues here is a lack of clarity. That’s really what makes a situationship a situationship.

So if you let your ex know that you’re not interested in the no-strings-attached, friends with benefits, on-again-off-again thing that you’ve been doing, you remove this ambiguity from the situation and get back on the path to a proper relationship.

In certain situations, this requires you to have a conversation with your ex, laying out exactly what you want and what you don’t want. But unless things have really progressed a long way, I’d advise you not to take this step.

Instead you want to show them, rather than telling them. So being less available is one step we’ve already talked about. You also can’t let them treat you like a friend or a confidante or anything other than a potential partner.

And show them that you’re going to move on from them if they don’t treat you the way that you deserve with number 3…

#3. Date around.

If you and your ex aren’t in a proper relationship, they have no reason to expect you to act like you are. So with that in mind, you want to get out there and date new people. This will show your ex that you’re going to move on if they don’t take you seriously.

It will also make them worry about losing you AND it will increase your confidence because it will show you that you do have other options.

Oftentimes we get into scenarios like this because we’ve lost our confidence. We worry that we don’t deserve a proper relationship so we’ll accept our ex’s crumbs.

RELATED: What Avoidants Feel When You Go No Contact

But when you see that you DO have options, you’ll know that you can ask for what you want… and get it. And if your ex still isn’t willing to offer it, you’ll be able to move on with your head held high.

#4. Don’t sleep with them.

Sex is a big driver of situationships. It helps paper over any underlying issues and brings you together….but it’s ultimately just creating a false sense of intimacy with this person.

It’s actually holding you back from connecting more deeply, in this case.

As we’ve talked about, you want your ex to feel like they’re missing something because you two aren’t together anymore.

But if you continue to sleep with them, spend time with them, love them and otherwise make them happy, what are they really missing?

This is why I advise you to remove sex from the equation. If they ask why, tell them that you’re not looking for just casual sex, or that you don’t think it’s a good idea right now while you’re focusing on moving on.

Remember… you want something more.

#5. Build the connection.

While you need to take some distance from your ex, you shouldn’t neglect the connection you’ve been building.

Whenever you do see them or talk to them, don’t make it a big discussion about the state of the relationship.

Keep it fun, light and make them laugh as much as possible. Flirt and build sexual tension, but as we just discussed, withhold actual physical intimacy for now.

You want them to see that you’re still there and you’re still the amazing person they fell in love with. But you also need them to know that you’re not going to stick around unless things change.

#6. Focus on yourself.

It’s easy to get extremely caught up on this relationship with your ex. I’ve seen people waste years of their lives this way.

They let it consume them emotionally and physically. They get so obsessed with this toxic connection with their ex that they lose the will to actually fix things and try for a better future together.

The best way to combat this is to change your focus. Make your own life your number one priority.

Take a look in the mirror and decide what you want to change and then take action. Excel at work. Put more time into your hobbies. Travel. Do whatever it takes to get out of this funk and back to feeling like your best self.

Not only is this going to make your ex miss you more—because you’ll have less time for them—but it’s going to make them more attracted to you, because someone with a sense of purpose is always more attractive than someone without one.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.