Is My Ex Testing Me?

When your ex reaches out after a breakup, it can sometimes feel like they’re testing you.

But are they, or are they just having an honest conversation? And if they are testing you, what are they trying to find out?

I’ll tell you what they’re thinking and how to “pass” your ex’s test… but not in the way that they expect.

Now I know the idea that your ex is testing you can be both exciting and nervewracking, especially if you want them back. But before we get into how you can tell your ex is testing you, first, let’s talk about what it means when they do this.

Is It A Good Sign That Your Ex Is Testing You?

In other words, is it a good sign that your ex is testing you or not?

Now if you want your ex back, you’re probably confused by this question. You’re thinking “if they’re testing me doesn’t it mean they want me back? How could that not be a good sign?”

Well the truth is… not always. It often is a good sign but in some cases it’s actually a negative because your ex will test you for different reasons, depending on what they want from you.

Why Your Ex Will Test You

First, let’s talk about the less than ideal situations.

Sometimes an ex will try to see if you’re down for a booty call. Of course, just because the relationship is over it doesn’t mean that your ex is suddenly not attracted to you anymore. In fact–since breakups usually interfere with your sex life–it can actually increase their attraction to you.

They’re getting that sense that they may have slept with you for the last time and that can be hard to accept for some people. On top of that, since breakups are so emotional and stressful, they’re probably looking for a way to blow off steam and sleeping with you might be exactly what they’re after.

In fact, this is one of the most common reasons an ex will test you after a breakup…and that goes double if your ex is a guy.

Now, if you’re pining after your ex then I’m sure you’d jump at the chance to get into bed with them but if you are looking for something long term, then you really do not want to give in here and sleep with your ex.

RELATED: If You Want Your Ex Back, Don’t Ignore This

All this will do will show them that you’re open to more casual encounters…it generally won’t actually get you any closer to a relationship. In fact, it will actually give them no real reason to take you seriously because they’re getting the sex they want without having to make any real commitment.

The biggest sign that this is what your ex wants is if they hit you up late at night. Everyone knows what a late night text means 9 times out of 10. They’ll also become really flirty really quickly here which is a pretty obvious sign.

Another reason your ex will test you is because they want to see if you’ll stroke their ego.

So basically, they don’t want you back, but they do want something from you…they want you to validate them, make them feel attractive and wanted, even though they don’t want you. This is more common coming from women but men will do it as well.

They want some compliments, some signs of interest and a sense that you’re still on the hook for them. For many people, this is all they want from their exes.

Just like an ex who only wants sex, they may either drop you after you give them what they want or they may keep you hanging around so that they can hit you up again for more validation, without ever giving you a real chance.

And in a similar vein, sometimes your ex will hit you up simply because you’re ignoring them. I mean… think about it. Your ex still cares about you and what you think. So if you’ve gone fully silent, this can alarm them. In this case they might just want to know that things are cool between the two of you and that you aren’t angry at them.

So obviously if your ex is testing you for this reason, they’re just hoping to make sure that everything is good, because they still care about you, but they don’t actually want anything more than that.

And finally, the reason that most of you are hoping for….sometimes your ex will test you because they want you back.

In this case they’re going to be trying to find out what their chances are with you without actually putting themselves out there too much. They don’t want to scare you off and they also don’t want to commit too hard to this because they’re not entirely sure what the situation is.

Often they want you to ask them to get back together because they don’t want to admit that they’re wrong and have to apologize and all that. The truth is that most of the time when your ex reaches out it’s because they’re considering giving this thing another shot and they want to see how you’d feel about that.

But I’ll be honest, it’s rarely as clearcut as I’ve made it seem. Your ex has a lot of complicated feelings about you right now…as I’m sure you do about them. They love you, they hate you, they look to you for comfort but also your presence causes them a lot of stress…it’s all mixed up.

And this is why, when your ex does test you, they don’t always know they’re doing it. They just know that they want to talk to you and they haven’t given it any more thought than that.

RELATED: What Is Your Ex’s Attachment Style (And Why Does It Matter?)

And this is crucial to remember so really pay attention here…they don’t always know exactly what they want. So don’t think that your ex is being cruel or toying with you or anything like that.

I do understand how it might seem that way. They dumped you and now they’re hitting you up to chat as if nothing happened, meanwhile they’re actually manipulating you to do what they want. It feels pretty bad.

But thinking this way gives them all the power when, really, you have a lot of power in this situation. Because, it’s as much of a test for them as it is for you…you’re not on trial here. It’s not your job to convince them to take you back. The fact that they’re reaching out to test you in this way, because they might want to try again, is a sign that you actually hold the cards here.

So they have to pass your test as much as you have to pass theirs. Keep this mindset going forward with this process. Don’t jump through their hoops. Just deal with them honestly and hold onto the power in the situation.

The Test Your Ex Will Put You Through

Now let’s talk about the tests they’ll put you through, because it usually follows a pretty standard pattern. We’ll start with the less serious tests and then ramp up in intensity. Your ex won’t always go through all of these tests. Sometimes they’ll just jump right into it, but let’s start at the bottom to be sure.

First, they might interact with you on social media. This will be something one sided. So rather than a message they might like your photo or your instagram story, or poke you on facebook. They’re just trying to say “hey, remember me? I’m alive”

This is the first test. You don’t need to do anything here. In fact, you probably shouldn’t respond at all. They’re essentially trying to get you to message them first but if you do, you’re giving away the power in the interaction. You might say this is playing games, but I’d actually say that they’re the ones playing games here, and you shouldn’t feed into it.

Should You Match With Your Ex On Dating Apps?

The next level up is the dating app swipe. Sometimes your ex will see you on a dating app and try to match with you to see if you’re interested. This one really depends on the person and the generation they’re in.

When talking to my clients, I find that younger people are more likely to try to match with their ex on a dating app as a way of flirting and testing the waters but the older someone gets, often the more serious they are about who they match with. So if you and your ex are in your thirties or forties and up then this is a more serious sign of their interest.

The obvious question is “should I match with them?”

Well your answer here very much depends on your particular ex. Now, you know your ex. Do you get the sense that they’d do something like this just for attention? Do you think they might just be looking for validation or sex from you? In that case, I’d say do not match with them because you don’t want to go down this path. Force them to reach out to you for real and have an honest conversation.

But if your ex isn’t concerned about things like that then matching can be a good way to set expectations and start a conversation. Just don’t let things get too flirty too fast or you can end up in bed with them all over again.

The Messages Your Ex Will Send You

Now, let’s get more serious here and talk about the first message your ex will send you.

Often it will be very short and ask you a question such as “how have you been?” or “what’s up?” or something like that.

Again, this is them testing the waters. They want to see how you’ll react. Will you leave them on read? Will you break down and tell them you love them and need them back? Will this go anywhere?

This is really the make or break moment. What you do here goes a long way to determining the outcome. First off, don’t respond right away. You don’t want to give the impression that this is the moment you’ve been waiting for, even if it is.

So keep it short, be polite and have a genuine conversation the way you would with anyone. Don’t volunteer too much information, don’t ask too many prying questions and just go with the flow.

As the conversation goes on, it will start to get deeper. Let’s talk about some of the questions that your ex will ask, or–more likely–NOT ask, but try to get you to answer anyway. Remember, they’re not sure where you stand, so they’re not trying to give them the impression that they care too much.

First off, the most obvious question is “Do you miss me?” This is one that your ex is practically never going to come out and straight up ask you. If they do, then you want to dodge the question and make a joke, but that’s probably not going to be an issue.

But even though they won’t ask this question directly, finding out the answer is their main goal in this conversation. So they’ll be looking for clues. Keep that in mind when speaking to them because you do not want to answer this question one way or another. If they think you miss them and want them back then this could easily scare them off. It sounds stupid but it really is human nature to want what we can’t have and to lose interest if someone comes on too strong.

And if they think that you’ve totally moved on and are no longer interested, this may make them want you more but it’s also going to make them less likely to try to reconnect with you.

So you really want to dodge this unspoken question as best you can. Keep things casual and fun but don’t get too close at this early stage.

Another question your ex may ask, directly or indirectly, is “are you seeing anyone?” They want to know whether or not you’re taken by someone else, if you’re having fun without them and, again, if you’re still pining after them.

Don’t be too clear with this one either. If they straight up ask you can say that you’ve gone on a few dates but nothing too serious. You want to give the sense that you’re out there dating and having fun, not sitting at home, thinking about them. So drop hints about hanging out with new “friends” or going to places that are typically date spots. Don’t rub this in their face but just make them wonder what exactly it is you’re doing and who you’re doing it with.

Another question that your ex will want to know the answer to is “How are you doing in life?”

Basically they’re looking to see if things have fallen apart since the breakup. Again, if you make it clear that you’re in a bad place, this will validate them but it will also make them less interested in you. They want to see if you’re weathering the storm okay and if you’ve been able to be happy without them.

Honestly, for them there is no good result here. Either you’ve slipped into a deep depression and this makes them feel valuable but also feel bad for you, or you’re doing great which hurts their self esteem and makes them more attracted to you. So you want them to believe the latter: that you’re succeeding in life and having a great time.

This will create the kind of feelings in your ex that will drive them towards you, feelings of inadequacy and loss towards both you as a person and the relationship.

So you can see that you never want to give your ex exactly what they want here. You can’t pass the test on their terms because they don’t even really have a clear idea of the right answers. What you can do is use this conversation to pull them towards you by being friendly and a little mysterious while projecting confidence and fun.

Another great way to do this is by flirting. Your ex may try to get a little flirty with you and you should feel free to flirt right back. Don’t let this escalate too far or you could end up in just a hookup scenario, but feel free to show them your fun, funny side and hint at steamy times in your past.

In a way, this is another test. They want to see if your bond is still alive and you two are still able to joke around, have fun and flirt, or if every interaction with you from now on is going to be serious and dramatic.

But don’t overdo it on the jokes here. If they express sadness about the breakup, you shouldn’t make a joke about it or completely stonewall them. You can say something like “yeah it’s been tough but it is what it is.” Just to let them know that the breakup did affect you but you’re on the other side of it now.

And the final question that your ex is going to want answered is “Have you changed?”

Now this one is not as clearcut as the rest of the others on the list. So the question you need to ask yourself is do they want me to change or not? If you broke up because of a specific behaviour or personal characteristic then that’s something that will need to be addressed if you want to reconnect.

So say that you were drinking too much and losing your focus on your hobbies and friends, you want your ex to realize that you’re aware of that. You don’t have to just come right out and say it but you want to give the sense that you’re working on the problem. Maybe you let them know that you’ve gotten back into running and have been making a lot of plans with friends to show that your priorities have changed.

But if it’s been a long time since the breakup and you didn’t have a big problem like drinking or drugs or anything like that, then it’s possible that your ex wants to know that you haven’t changed. They want you to be that same person they fell in love with now that they realize that they miss you. So think this one through before you decide how to treat them.

But at the end of the day, you don’t want to lie or to play too many games. Just focus on having a good interaction. The main thing you want your ex to think is that you’re doing well and that you might want to spend more time with them, if they play their cards right.

Other than that, let them lead the conversation and don’t volunteer too much info.

And from there, you want to get out of the conversation and leave them wanting more. So you want to leave the door open to future communication. So saying something like “I have to go now, I’m heading in to work but let’s talk soon”

So there you have it. This is how you want to respond to your ex testing you, by giving them just enough information to draw them towards you, without scaring them off.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.