The 6 Stages Your Ex Will Go Through After The Breakup

If you’re here then I know that you’re hurting from your breakup.

But we’re not talking about you today.

Today we’re talking about your ex.

Specifically we’re talking about the stages they go through after the breakup.

Because it’s just so important to consider what’s going on in your ex’s head after the breakup. It all comes down to your ex’s emotional and mental state and depending on where they are and what they’re feeling, you need to treat them differently if you want to connect with them again.

If you want your ex back, you need to be aware of this stuff or you risk scaring them off and ending up alone.

So let’s talk about the stages your ex goes through after a breakup. Of course, these are not set in stone–every person and every breakup is a bit different, after all–but fundamentally, most people go through these stages roughly in this order.

Stage 1. Acceptance

Number one is Acceptance, and this actually happens before the breakup. Or, essentially, before YOU know about the breakup. So basically your ex–and I’m assuming here that they ended it, or that they were at least the main driver behind the breakup—before they decided to pull the plug they had to realize and accept that this breakup was coming. That it was the only path forward in life that they could feel good about.

They don’t feel happy about this decision but on some level, they’ve already made it and are working towards taking the steps necessary, even if they’re still in the process of accepting it.

This will be a time of intense emotional turmoil for them. You may have noticed their emotions swung wildly right before the breakup.

RELATED: Is My Ex Moving On? Signs Your Ex Is Gone Forever

First they’re distant and touchy, then they’re loving and kind, then they’re angry and spoiling for a fight. This is because they’re fighting this internal battle and they can’t talk to you about it, obviously. Because they don’t want to admit that they want to break up yet.

If you’re here then the acceptance stage is over–obviously they made their choice–so why does it matter? Well it turns out some later stages actually have a lot in common with stage 1 and so if you can recognize how your ex was acting then you’re going to be able to use this information to get your ex back.

But first comes stage 2.

Stage 2. Relief

This is the initial stage that your ex goes through after the breakup. Now think about relief in the most simple definition of the word.

You feel it when you’ve been experiencing some kind of hardship–I think of it like when you have a cold and your nose is plugged. Now eventually you’ll get used to that feeling. You’ll accept it and just breathe through your mouth.

But then suddenly a moment comes when your nose opens up and you can breathe again. That’s the relief. You didn’t know the extent of your suffering until you felt that relief. This is what your ex feels like when they initially break up with you.

Now this may feel bad to hear because you feel like you’re the cause of your ex’s suffering, like you were a burden and now they feel better not being with you. But the truth is that YOU weren’t the burden here. The burden was the stress they felt about the breakup.

They didn’t want to lose you or to hurt you but they knew that they had to and that creates immense mental and emotional stress. And, in fact, the more they care about you, the worse this can be. Because the more they care, the less they want to hurt you. And so the more relieved they’ll feel, knowing that they’ve gone through the hardest part and they no longer have it hanging over their head.

You might understand this if you’ve ever had to let someone go from a job or tell someone any kind of bad news. It doesn’t mean that you suddenly don’t like this person. It’s still just as hard as it would have been a week ago knowing that you’re hurting them is the real horrible part.

So once they say the words and they walk out of that room and they pack their stuff and they go on their way there’s a sense of relief they just accomplished this difficult task, this thing that they’ve probably been thinking about for weeks, maybe months.

RELATED: Using The No Contact Strategy To Get Your Ex Back

And so this feeling of relief comes with a lot of guilt. They still feel guilty for hurting you and they feel guilty for feeling relieved that it’s over. It’s a complicated feeling.

And typically this stage is marked by a sort of celebration, depending on the person. Now they’re not going to have a party and hit a pinata that’s shaped like you but they’re going to have this burst of relief, this burst of happiness and so it may seem like they’re doing better than they should be.

Because, as we talked about, they’ve been coming to this decision for awhile and so they are going to be ahead of you when it comes to mourning the breakup because you didn’t see it coming like they did, for obvious reasons.

So this is where you may see your ex fall into old patterns. Maybe they’re partying all the time, going to the clubs, posting stories, taking vacations and trips with their friends. For some of them they rush into a new relationship seeking that dopamine hit.

And this is both a genuine expression of their new freedom and an attempt to kind of push away some of the negative feelings that are coming for them in the later stages, along with that guilt.

But the relief stage is not going to last forever. It will vary from person to person depending on the length of the relationship. but it’s typically a week to a month and it’s rarely going to last longer than a couple of months.

Stage 3. Intrigue

The thing about breaking up is that it’s actually a bit of an ego boost for the dumper, even if they don’t want to admit it. Because they know how much they liked you and cared about you. They know how good the relationship was, even if they decided it ultimately wasn’t right. So by walking away they’re kind of confirming to themselves “Hey, I have options. I can turn down something that was good but not great and I can go out there and find something better.”

Because they know that if they came to you right now and say “Hey, I changed my mind. I was too hasty. Let’s work on the relationship,” you will just say “Yes, let’s do this.” So they are right, they do have options and that has value for them.

But where does intrigue or curiosity come in? Well it happens if you do take my advice and cut contact with your ex following the breakup. If you stay strong and don’t come crawling back, begging for another chance, if you don’t hang around as their “friend” or as a shoulder to cry on and embarrass yourself for scraps of their attention, then they’re going to be surprised.

Because on some level, since they feel this ego boost, this sense that they’re valuable because they have options, they’re expecting you to come running back to them. And when you don’t, they’re going to wonder “what’s going on?”

Instead of attention, you’ve given them silence and this makes them uncertain about if they are as attractive, as valuable–as victorious as they thought. They wonder if you still care about them and miss them.

You see as human beings we always look for patterns because patterns make things efficient. When we recognize a pattern we go “I understand this part of the world–of my life–and so I can stop thinking about it. I can let it go and start focusing on other things.” Even if you can’t solve a problem, if you can understand it you can put it down and stop obsessing over it.

So your ex had this one indicator that they were valuable and had options when they ended the relationship. Then if you had kept chasing after them, it would have confirmed it for them. That would constitute a pattern for them and so they’d feel more able to just move on and start dating again.

But by ignoring them you’ve denied them that pattern. So essentially you’re causing disorder in your ex’s life. They don’t like this and so this is going to make them curious about you and what you’re doing. They want that confirmation that you miss them and that you’re miserable without them so they can go “I was right, I’m the bomb.”

So with that in mind they’re going to become curious about you. The Intrigue Phase is typically marked with things like them watching your social media stories or talking to mutual friends and people about you to kind of see where you’ve been, how you’re doing, how you’re handling the breakup. They want to know why you haven’t said anything to them.

Now sometimes in the Intrigue Phase they may send you a text or two. But remember, you don’t want to take the bait and confirm their feelings. You want to keep them unmoored from reality so that they can’t have that validation and that closure.

So those first couple of texts you should usually ignore. It’s just your ex is trying to figure out where you stand. You need to show them that you’re moving on and that you’re no longer desperate for that second chance.

That sense of distance and aloofness will show your ex that you’re not desperate and that’s going to be attractive to them because they want to know WHY, what’s your secret. And if you never answer that question then they’ll end up in the next stage, stage 4.

Stage 4. Worry

Stage 4 is probably the most critical part of your ex’s breakup journey and I’ll tell you why.

See, until your ex is worried–like truly afraid of losing you–you will never get them back.

Because they’re essentially on a journey back to you, even if they don’t know it yet. As they climb the staircase from acceptance to relief to curiosity to worry and fear, they’re getting closer to just coming to you and saying “I screwed up, I love you, take me back.” In fact, they’re already having those feelings in stage 3 and 4. Not seriously but they’re daydreaming about it here and there and they realize how good it would feel to just give in.

But if you chase after them, you’re going to kick them right back down into stage 2 again and they’ll be further away from you than ever.

They’ll realize hey, I’m actually pretty relieved not to feel that pressure…not to be beholden to this person who I’m not sure if I even want to be with.

The good news is that right now, even though they may feel far away–if you’re keeping your distance–in reality they’re closer than ever. Because their mindset is shifting.

A week or two ago they felt completely certain that if they wanted to, they could come to you and get you back in an instant. Now they’re thinking maybe you’re moving on. You’re certainly acting like it.

This is when it starts to hit home that “Oh no, maybe I’ll lose this person forever…or maybe I already have.”

Remember: you were the source of your ex’s joy. You were the source of their love, their validation, all the things that they started to take for granted. And they thought that that would always be there if they needed it.

I think of it this way. Your love was like the sun and your ex is a houseplant. You put a plant next to the window and it gets that sunlight it needs and it thrives, right?

But the breakup is like winter is coming. The sun is not quite as bright. Sometimes it’s hidden behind clouds. And the plant starts to miss that sun. It’s turning its leaves towards the sun, opening up more and more to try to get any sun that it can.

And that’s what will happen during this phase. They know that your love is going away so they’re leaning towards you, reaching out and trying to get it back…at least in a passive way.

They’ve realized that they need it for their emotional happiness and stability. Because you deprived them of the nutrients they needed, everything that you offer will seem more valuable to them. They’ll really start to appreciate you and miss you because of that fear of losing it forever.

Essentially you two are coming together. You’re both afraid of losing the other person. You both want to try to connect but you’re afraid and you don’t know how. This is when they may start to take more action to get you back, or at least be much more receptive and actually make the effort to connect with you.

You need to pay attention to these types of signs. They may start to contact you more. This is where you might get more consistent texts or phone calls. They may start to set dates with you or ask to talk to you, to get together.

But you still need to resist and keep your distance here. Because during this phase they’re doing this for the wrong reasons. They’re not trying to connect with you to build something real…to try again. This is something you’ll realize if you start to give them that love and attention that they need.

You’ll realize that they have started to appreciate you more but they haven’t changed their mind. So really, they’re just trying to use you without promising anything.

And it might even be really intense. Sometimes when they start leaning into you, it may feel like they are putting pressure on you. They might start being angry or upset. Asking, why are you ignoring them? What did they do wrong?

Because, remember they’re all mixed right now. They’re thrown out of their routine and they’re trying to restore order. They want things to go back to normal for their own selfish emotional reasons.

They want you back in a place where they know that they are safe and they could get you back if they really wanted to.

But you still need to keep your distance. You still need to be indifferent. You still need to be moving slowly and allowing them to go through that emotional struggle as they try to earn back your time, your love, and your affection.

Now I will say that sometimes in Stage Four, even if it isn’t their intention, people will reconnect and restart their relationship. This is amazing. Of course, if that love is strong enough and circumstances are right, it can even happen in Stage Two, but it’s just not as likely as it will be if you wait until the next stage, and that’s stage 5…

Stage 5. Doubt

This is where your ex is starting to weigh all the pros and cons of being broken up with you now they’ve had the perspective of being apart from you. Maybe they went into a rebound and it didn’t work out…maybe they’re still in the rebound and they’re starting to compare you to this new person and they’re not exactly happy with what they find.

Now they start to doubt their decision. They’re thinking “did I choose the wrong person” “Did I take the wrong path?”

Again, when your ex is starting to doubt, they’ll start to take more action but this time it’s going to feel different.

It’s going to be a calmer approach because they’re starting to really think about the breakup critically. They’re starting to think about it deeper and realize that maybe they’re not perfect.
Maybe they’re not the winner and you’re not the loser. Maybe–because you’ve been acting confident and you’ve been working on yourself and you’re not so desperate–maybe their life would be better off with you in it.

And now all of a sudden you start to get better and better offers from them. It’s no longer bread crumbs and hot and cold treatment. They’re not all the way there but they are trying to come at you honestly and consistently.

It’s going to be more positive because they’re trying to be on your good side. And that’s where you want them to be. You want them to be chasing YOU.

And, to me, this is when you need to start to respond to them in a more significant way. Give them a little attention and let them come to you more and more. But don’t accept any bad behaviour here. Show them that you still respect yourself but that you’re willing to connect with them if they’re willing to make the effort.

Start meeting with them more and build that bond and before you know it, you’re going to be back together, just the way you want it, and that’s all because you stuck to the plan and let them come to you, for the most part.

But if you keep blowing them off then they will move into the sixth and final stage here and that’s…

Stage 6. Regret

This is when your ex knows for sure that they’ve missed their shot with you. All they feel is that regret in the pit of their stomach that they can’t shake. They screwed up a good thing and they have to live with that.

And that’s the difference between stage 5 and stage 6. In stage 5 they still have hope that they can reconnect and that’s important. That hope will fuel your new relationship together because it represents that the connection is still alive.

In stage 6 they’re resigned to losing you so they’re going to lose hope and stop trying to reconnect. They’re going to be sad but they’ll also start to move on. You may still be able to catch them during this time but to me, it’s not worth the risk here.

So when you find your ex falling off and leaving you alone then you’ll know that they’re in stage 6.

The problem is that now they’re starting to get down in the dumps.

They’re starting to get bitter and resentful of the whole thing. This experience has hurt their self esteem which is going to actually hurt their ability to connect with other people, including you, because they’ll be less sure of themselves and what they want and deserve.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.