Why Your Ex’s Drama Is A Good Sign

Is your ex making your life miserable?

Are they talking bad about you to other people?

Are they always trying to start a fight? Or spreading lies online?

I know this feels really horrible but it can actually be a good thing, if you’re hoping to get back together with them.

Because it’s more likely a sign that they still have feelings for you, rather than a sign that they’re truly angry at you.

Why Your Ex Keeps Starting Drama

Now, let’s talk about your ex’s mindset right now. I do want to say that I’m not trying to excuse their actions, but it is useful to try to understand their side because it can help you defuse the situation.

So first off, obviously this all depends on the specifics of your particular breakup. I’m guessing, if you’re in this position, it was pretty messy. You probably had a big fight or two or ten. And I’m also guessing that you both did and said things you wish you hadn’t.

Breakups can be pretty explosive. But now that you’ve officially split, why do they keep on coming back for more?

Typically, we regret these mistakes and we just want the dust to settle so we can either communicate with a clear head or just move on with our lives.

RELATED: Using The No Contact Strategy To Get Your Ex Back

But if your ex is coming back around, begging for a fight then you know that there’s something else going on here. So here are the reasons that your ex is starting drama after the breakup.

I will say that it’s likely that your ex isn’t aware that this is why they’re acting this way. This is a subconscious process and it’s pretty typical to have a lot of denial when it comes to our exes and our romantic relationships. On top of that, your ex will probably be starting drama for more than one reason on this list.

Let’s get into it with reason number one…

#1. They’re genuinely still upset

Now—as much as I’m sure you’d like to—you can’t just dismiss all drama created by your ex as some plea for attention. The truth is that your ex probably has some legitimate gripes with you.

So if the relationship ended because you were exhibiting some toxic behaviour like cheating, lying, stealing, yelling, abuse, or anything otherwise hurtful…then chances are your ex is still upset about this. Especially if you never apologized.

If this is the case then they’re probably coming at you to try to talk about it. I’m sure that they’re not doing this in the best way possible, but they’re extremely upset because of your behaviour and so they’re lashing out.

So just don’t dismiss your ex as crazy. While some people do have “crazy exes”, I think most people just have exes who are hurt. But again, this is only ONE of the many reasons your ex will start drama post breakup.

#2. They miss talking to you

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that breaking up can feel very isolating. It can be hard to talk to your friends and family about this stuff. You don’t want to bring anyone down or appear weak. And so it’s easy to isolate yourself.

And, on top of that, you no longer have your partner to talk to because you broke up, so you feel totally alone and cut off.

This is why your ex may be reaching out to you to start drama.

Why wouldn’t they just reach out to you for a normal chat? Well they are still mad at you and so they struggle to just pretend things are normal. They also worry that if they speak to you then the two of you are in danger of just falling back into old patterns and getting back together.

So, really, they know that speaking to you is a bad idea because they’ll either cave and get back together or lash out at you in anger…but their desire to speak to you is SO strong that they really can’t resist this pull.

This is one of the reasons that I say that your ex starting drama can actually be a good sign for your chances of getting them back.

#3. They want attention

Breakups can make people feel worthless. And to counteract this, some people will seek attention so that they can feel like they’re important.

So if they’re reaching out to you directly to tell you how mad they are and how toxic you are, then chances are they’re just looking for attention from you. This is common if your conversations have fizzled out since the breakup, or if you’ve gone no contact with them. They may feel like their only way to get you to notice them and have a real conversation is to lash out in anger and provoke an argument.

On the other hand, if your ex is badmouthing you to mutual friends, posting about it online, or involving other people in any way, then chances are this is a plea for attention from the wider community.

This is less of a positive sign if you do want them back. Because they’re less focused on you and more focused on being noticed.

#4. They want to hurt you

This is what you’re probably most worried about but don’t worry, it’s not very common. Sometimes your ex will genuinely want to hurt you after the breakup. There are many reasons this happens. Maybe they want to get even for your perceived mistakes.

But most often, I think that people do this because of a psychological principle called splitting. This is a kind of black and white thinking that leads people to think in extremes. It’s difficult to conceive of another person in a nuanced way. So your ex thought of you as someone good, who they loved and cared about. Now that you’re a source of pain for them, it’s hard for them to maintain that good image of you.

So a part of their brain goes “this is a bad person. They hurt me, they’re toxic and they deserve to be hurt in return.”

Essentially, you’re not an angel so they’re making you the devil. People who think this way tend to be pretty socially immature. They think in very black and white terms and they’re very prone to feeling like they were wronged.

So if your ex is always getting into disagreements, cutting people off, or lashing out, then chances are this is what’s going on. It’s unfortunate but it does happen.

#5. They were keeping a lot inside

So often a relationship ends with a huge, blowout fight. This is when you both say mean things about the other person. You let out all the anger and resentment that built up during the relationship.

But sometimes, for whatever reason, this doesn’t happen. Maybe the breakup was too sudden or maybe one of you ran away from the conflict. Or maybe it did happen but there’s just so much more that they were keeping inside that they want to talk about.

Whatever their reason, they want to talk more about what bothered them in the relationship. They didn’t feel like you heard them properly and so they want to tell you how they really feel and see what you have to say in response. This can look a lot like starting drama—and sometimes it is that simple—but sometimes they just want to clear the air.

If your ex was someone who always swept things under the rug and kept their feelings inside, this is probably all that stuff coming out. I don’t think this is the best way for your ex to be handling their feelings but when have people ever acted in their own best interests after a breakup?

#6. They want an apology

If your ex is calling you up and bringing up mistakes you made in the past, or during the breakup, and you never owned up to what you did, then chances are they’re fishing for an apology. Again, I would say that this isn’t the time for this but don’t try telling them that.

They feel disrespected, hurt and put down and so they want you to acknowledge this and apologize.

This is another good sign for your chances. Because–while sometimes they just want you to apologize so that they can have closure and move on–often it’s actually a sign that they’re still invested in the relationship.

They want you to apologize so that they can forgive you because they don’t want to be mad at you. They want to be with you. Or at least, back on a path to reconciliation.

But should you apologize to them? This is going to depend on context, for sure. If you did something truly messed up and haven’t apologized to them, then apologizing can be a good idea. It helps to clear the air so that your ex isn’t stewing with these negative feelings.

But when things are more complicated and you don’t truly feel like you did anything worse than what they did—or you did it in response to their mistakes that they won’t apologize for—then hold off on the apology for now.

It can actually help your ex justify their negative feelings towards you. And that’s actually the next reason that they’re going to start drama…

#7. They want to win the breakup

Many people see a breakup as having a winner and a loser. I think we all feed into this phenomenon with the way we talk about breakups.

We always want to know what happened: did someone cheat? Was the other person a loser? Were they mistreating their partner?

When, in reality, breakups have no winner and no loser. They’re typically caused by an issue of compatibility. They’re messy and they’re complicated.

We try to break it down to “winner and loser” so that it’s easier to digest. And it’s for that reason that your ex may start drama following the breakup.

They want you to apologize, lash out in return and say something horrible, or admit to some huge secret that will make you look bad. If you do that, then it can turn the tide. It will make you look bad and—since people see these things in simple terms—that will make them look good. Simple as that.

#8. You’re provoking them

If you’re the one reaching out to your ex then this may be the real source of the drama. If you call your ex up and try to have a conversation with them after they’ve made it clear they don’t want to talk to you, then it shouldn’t be a surprise if they say something harsh and cruel. They think this is the only way to get the space they need.

It doesn’t matter if you’re being perfectly pleasant and polite, you’re still at fault here because you’re not respecting your ex’s boundaries.

And on top of that, you may be doing more to provoke them than you think. So look back at these fights and how you were talking to your ex. It can be very tricky to have a conversation with your ex post breakup.

You can’t just talk to them the way you used to when you were in a relationship. You’re forced to create a whole new dynamic and this is when people often run into trouble. They shut down and go quiet.

Or they act too friendly, affectionate and otherwise just pretend like the relationship never ended. Any of this can provoke your ex to lash out at you. I’m not saying they’d be right to do so, but it’s a natural response if they feel like you’re being fake or like you’ve become a whole new person over night.

#9. They want to prevent you from replacing them

If your ex is starting drama, it could be more calculated than it seems. They might be doing this to prevent you from moving on and finding someone new. If they’re doing this online, or through friends then there’s a very clear tactic at play here.

They think if they can talk enough smack about you, people will turn against you in the community. You’ll be radioactive. No one will want to talk to you, much less date you.

If that happens then they can have you back any time they want. And you might say “well they don’t want me back, I’ve tried.” And this might be true but that doesn’t mean that they want to watch you move on either. It hurts to see an ex with someone new, even if we’re not interested in getting back together.

But I’d also say that you shouldn’t be too sure that they’re over you and don’t want you back.

They might not jump at the chance to get back together with you this instant but that makes sense, doesn’t it? They’re hurt, they’re embarrassed and they’re mad at you.

They’re still recovering from the breakup and trying to sort out their feelings so they’re not likely to give you another chance at this moment. But as I’ve said, their insistence on starting drama most likely means that you have a better chance than you think.

Because it means that they’re still thinking about you, they’re still obsessing over the breakup….they’re still invested in you and your place in their life.

So then how can you use this to your advantage?

How To Handle Your Ex’s Drama

You need to be careful here. Your ex’s drama represents a huge minefield for you. If you walk into it without a plan, you’re going to end up setting off a chain reaction that will push them away for good.

That’s why you’re going to do the exact opposite. You’re not going to engage with your ex’s drama at all. Not in any form.

If they text you something negative and inflammatory, don’t respond. If they keep calling you up late at night to yell at you, don’t answer. And if they’re talking shit about you online, don’t comment on it.

You really can’t make yourself look better by defending yourself in these situations. It only makes you look more guilty.

The same goes for talking bad about them online or to friends. It just makes you look bitter and petty—the way it’s making them look. You want to stick to the facts and avoid getting into this territory or you’ll just keep the cycle going.

If there are two people going through a breakup and one is posting a bunch of negative stuff about the other, most people look at that and think the one who is posting is the one in the wrong.

Especially if you’re playing it cool and not engaging in the drama.

And that’s really your play here. Keep your distance. Do not engage, and work on yourself and your life. In a month, you’ll be thriving and your ex will be just getting to the point of feeling embarrassed for starting all this drama.

They’ll wind up feeling ashamed and missing you more than ever, especially when they see how much you’re killing it without them. And that’s when you can reach out and start reconnecting with them.

Trust me when I say, there’s no benefit to engaging with your ex’s drama. The only path forward is to turn away and focus on yourself. If you can do that, you set yourself up for the best chance of getting your ex back.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.