Can You Win Back An Anxious Ex?

Attachment style is the biggest predictor of how someone communicates in a relationship.
But did you know that it’s also one of the biggest predictors of whether or not you can get your ex back after a breakup?

The truth is that you can win back an anxious ex but you need to be aware of their particular quirks and needs if you want to make it happen and it’s not going to be as easy as you may think.

How your ex responds to your advances will be colored by their attachment style in a major way.

The Problem With Attachment Styles

So to start we have to talk about attachment styles. Basically it comes out of an idea called attachment theory. The idea is that everyone has an attachment style. This determines the way that you create an attachment to another person, whether that’s romantic, platonic, family, whatever.

If you’re connecting with another person on a deeper level, your attachment style is going to come into play and determine how you interact with this person.

There are four attachment styles: secure, disorganized, avoidant and anxious. For the purposes of this, you only need to worry about the final two.

If you’re wondering how to tell your attachment style, look at how you respond to moments of stress in the relationship. This can be a bad thing like an argument or a good thing like getting intimate together for the first time, or maybe moving in together. Basically if it’s something that challenges the status quo of the relationship it will trigger your attachment style.

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This moment throws you off balance and causes you to act out in one of two ways.

If you respond to this situation by pulling away, icing your partner out or just generally trying to get a bunch of space, then you have an avoidant attachment style.

If you respond by trying to get closer to your partner, messaging them nonstop, trying to get their love and attention and generally being a little smothering, then you have an anxious attachment style.

And obviously the same goes for your ex. People with anxious attachment have a deep fear of abandonment and can feel insecure in relationships. They need constant reassurance and may overthink situations, feeling more vulnerable and sensitive to perceived threats to the relationship.

Basically they’re eager to connect. They also want to please you because they’re worried about being abandoned. If you leave them on read they think you hate them. If you don’t tell them you love them enough, they’ll stop believing it. This is anxious attachment in a nutshell.

Just a quick disclaimer: I’m talking about both people with anxious attachment style AND people with just general anxiety because there’s obviously a ton of overlap there. But just know that it’s not 100%. For example, some people with anxiety actually have an avoidant attachment style.

Their anxiety causes them to withdraw and not deal with their partner because it triggers their issues. And sometimes people can be in perfect mental health except when it comes to their relationships where they turn into an anxious mess.

All that said, I’m going to use the terms interchangeably here. You just have to use some critical thinking to determine if what I say applies to your particular ex. Just something to keep in mind as we get into this.

Anxious and Avoidant Breakups

Which brings us to a common pattern here. The reason I brought up avoidant attachment is because it’s very, very common for anxious people to date avoidant partners.

You see this all the time, right? One person needs closeness, the other needs space. Things are good at first but then the avoidant pulls away and the anxious pursues. The avoidant feels smothered and the anxious feels like their needs aren’t being met.

If this was a pattern in your relationship, don’t worry, because it’s pretty standard stuff for a lot of relationships, and it’s not all bad.

There are good aspects of this dynamic as well. The two can balance each other out on some level.

The avoidant can be a source of comfort and stability for the anxious person. And the anxious person’s persistence will allow the avoidant to accept some of the love that they want but are afraid to ask for.

RELATED: Getting Your Avoidant Ex Back

But this can obviously lead to disaster if both parties don’t learn to overcome the shortcomings of their attachment style. In fact, chances are this played a big part in your breakup.

You felt smothered and you pulled away and they felt like they were the only one making effort in the relationship.

Though this might not have been what caused it all to fall apart in the end, this kind of dynamic makes a relationship really fragile because of the resentment built up around it.

Another factor is WHO ultimately pulled the plug on the relationship. Typically the avoidant will leave the relationship early on because they fear that closeness. But this flips the longer the relationship goes on. If you’ve been together awhile, it’s more common for the anxious person to pull the plug because their partner isn’t meeting their needs.

This can prove to be a real barrier to reconnecting for an obvious reason. Anxious people WANT closeness. They typically don’t see the appeal in being single the way avoidants do. So they do not want to break up.

That means things had to be really bad before they were willing to pull the trigger. So in this situation, when an anxious person leaves, they have typically been feeling this way for awhile and are set on their decision. But there are still ways to reach them.

How To Win Back Your Anxious Ex

If you can appeal to your ex’s desire for closeness and their loneliness, you can overcome this barrier and get them back.

Remember, they desire that closeness and are willing to take steps to get it. This means if you can get them interested, they’re more likely to chase you down and demand a second chance.

How do you do this? Well first off, you do need to begin with a period of no contact after the breakup. This might be hard because an anxious partner will often try to keep you around in some form, typically as friends.

Remember, they’re really hurt by rejection and abandonment, so even if they’re the one who broke it off, it will really sting to have you refuse to hang around in relationship limbo with them.

This means do NOT agree to stay friends with your anxious ex. In many situations, they will ask to remain friends not just because they have that desire for closeness with you but also because they fear separation, rejection and disconnection.

RELATED: Read This Before You Give Up On No Contact

By being friends with them you’re essentially soothing their broken heart which is not the goal here.

Do not have long drawn out conversations with your ex. Don’t be overly kind or complimentary towards them. This will just give them a chance to get over you.

You want–and this might sound bad–but you want them to be in pain and feel lost without you.

This gives them a big incentive to return. For a truly anxious ex, your absence will feel like a black hole and this can be enough to make them come running back to you, just so they can fill this void and feel whole again.

No Contact triggers anxious people like nothing else. You need to be radio silent. I mean it. Don’t contact them at all.

But there’s one big adjustment I want you to make to the formula when dealing with an anxious ex. They will most likely reach out to you during this time–most exes do this, anxious exes especially–-and in this situation I don’t want you to just totally ignore them like I might otherwise recommend.

Instead, you need to engage with them a tiny, tiny bit.

You need to tell them some version of the following the first time they reach out. “It’s nice hearing from you. I wish I could talk but I think I need some space. I’m trying to move on and it’s going to be too painful if we keep talking like this.”

Now normally I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this kind of vulnerability, but for an anxious ex–and especially if you’re in the anxious-avoidant pattern we talked about earlier–this is an important step. Because one of the factors in your breakup was your ex not feeling like you cared or loved them.

They felt distant from you because you were distant….or because their expectations of closeness were too high, either way.

So if you just flat out ignore them, they’re going to be even MORE hurt and this will confirm for them the idea that you’re just not going to fulfill their needs, that you don’t care.

By saying that you can’t talk to them because it’s too painful, this will let them know that you DO care about them. Really, you care too much and that’s why you need to stay away.

This is a subtle difference but it will help keep your ex’s feelings for you alive during No Contact. From there, just do No Contact as normal. Stay away, do your own thing and improve your life while mourning the breakup.

Reconnecting With Your Anxious Ex

Now the question is, where do you go AFTER no contact is over? You can’t keep it going forever. After a few weeks, if they haven’t changed their mind and come running back to you, you need to reach out and begin the process of re-attraction.

And here’s where having an anxious ex will help you. As I said earlier, if you can get past their initial hesitation, it will become quite easy to fall back into the old pattern. All you’ll need to do is be a bit more loving, more friendly and more available then you had been during the relationship. This is going to give them the sense that you’ve changed, that this time things are going to be different if they’re willing to trust you.

Of course, don’t just come out and say this. You want to show them through your actions. Be consistent and be attentive. And don’t fake this. If you want the relationship to work, you need to be willing to do this stuff on an ongoing basis.

But remember, there is a fine line here. You don’t want to love bomb them or come on too strong. Being anxious doesn’t make them blind to red flags and putting all your eggs in their basket is definitely a red flag.

Making Your Anxious Ex Jealous

Another thing that you need to consider here is making your ex jealous. I often recommend using jealousy to make your ex want to chase you, and I still do if your ex is anxious, but you need to be VERY VERY subtle here. So don’t even vaguely imply that you’re seeing anyone new here, even if you are.

Remember, one of their triggers is a fear of being abandoned, cheated on, whatever. They basically felt replaceable and if you show them how easily you’ve moved on with someone new, they’re most likely going to pull away and you’ll lose them for good.

But then how can you make them jealous in a way that has nothing to do with you dating new people? The answer is by instilling FOMO in them about the awesome life you’re leading without them.

You want them to see that you’re out there having fun, seeing your friends and family and just generally living it up. This will make them jealous on a whole different level. They’ll be jealous of you for the fun you’re having without them but they’ll also be jealous of the people around you because they’ll wish they could connect with you like that.

And if you happen to post pictures that show that you have a few attractive people around you, all the better. Just don’t get too touchy with them and you’ll have nothing to worry about.

Take It Slow

Another factor here is communication. You shouldn’t rush back into the relationship. Don’t get too deep into heavy conversations too early on. And don’t be talking to them all day every day.

Just stay consistent and interested when you do talk. When a conversation doesn’t naturally come to a close, it’s okay to cut it off. So something like “it’s been nice talking to you but I’m headed to meet my friends. I’ll talk to you later.”

You may feel like you’re rejecting them but really, it will actually help them feel more connected to you. Because for anxious people, the alternative is them thinking you’re ignoring their last message.

But there is room for a little game playing. It’s okay to not respond to a message for a few hours. This will get them wondering what you’re doing and it will essentially trigger their fear response but not enough to really upset them. You’ll get their heart rate up and make them miss you even more. Just don’t overuse it.

So there you have it. To get an anxious ex back, you first need to understand attachment styles and how that impacts the patterns in your relationship and your breakup. Then you need to use this information to draw your ex in by being consistent and showing them you’ve changed.