The Easy Way To Win Back an Avoidant Ex

Having an avoidant partner can make a relationship really difficult.

But what about an avoidant ex?

How are you supposed to get their attention and their love when they’re so good at stonewalling you?

Well I’m here to tell you that it can actually be EASIER to get an avoidant ex back than any other type of ex. It may sound crazy but this is actually backed up by all my experience as a breakup coach for the last 15 years.

And the reason for this has to do with WHY the relationship typically ends in the first place.

But for this to make sense you have to understand attachment styles and how they work.

Attachment Styles

Everyone in the world has an attachment style. This determines the way that you create an attachment to another person. This affects all relationships but it’s felt most strongly in romantic bonds.

Now everyone’s attachment style is going to be a little different but they boil down to four groups: secure, disorganized, anxious and avoidant. For our purposes we’re only talking about those last two: anxious and avoidant.

Because if you’re here, it’s a pretty safe bet that you have an anxious attachment style and your ex is avoidant. This is a VERY common pattern in relationships.

What this means is that you two respond in very different ways to stimulus in a relationship. And by stimulus I’m talking about anything that affects the relationship, either good or bad, big or small. These are moments of connection or disconnection.

RELATED: Using The No Contact Strategy To Get Your Ex Back

So, for example, the first time you both said “I love you.” I’m sure it was a magical moment for both of you. You held each other close and everything felt like it was falling into place perfectly.

But then you may have noticed a change in the coming days. You, excited by this deepening of your connection, wanted to spend more time together and connect in new ways. It’s like you want to crawl into their skin and live in there. And you may have noticed your ex pulling away, becoming a little distant or seeming distracted.

So same stimulus, different responses.

Now let’s talk about a moment of disconnection. You two have a big fight. You’re screaming and yelling at one another.

Let’s say you work through it, to an extent. You come to an agreement or at least decide to drop the subject and keep the peace.

Now, you’re afraid to lose this relationship. You don’t want there to be any distance between you two so you might reach out to your ex more, make more attempts to connect with them both to shore up the relationship and to quiet your own anxiety about possibly losing them.

And again, your ex will use this opportunity to pull away, get some space and process what happened.

They’re also hurt and afraid about what it might mean for the future. Their way of coping is just different.

So while your ex’s response might be more harmful, these can both be negative, depending on the intensity of the reaction. Clinginess can be just as destructive as avoidance, and the two feed off one another.

They can be damaging because both clinginess and avoidance don’t take into consideration the other person. They say to the other person “my feelings and my needs are the priority here.”

I get a lot of pushback when I say this because people say “I’m only clingy because I love them and want to be close to them. They’re avoidant because they’re selfish.”

And my counter to that is to think back on all the times you were most clingy. Was it about how connected you felt to this other person or was it more about the fact that they were so inconsistent that it made you feel crazy?

I think you’ll find that clinginess is more driven by anxiety than it is a real bid for connection.

But again, you can both be forgiven because this is not a conscious process. It’s driven by an intense burst of emotion so it kind of hijacks your behaviour and makes you act in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

And the other thing about these attachment styles is that they’re not totally fixed. You can be more secure with one partner and more avoidant with another. Chances are you’re not going to totally change your attachment style overnight but they will shift and change based on how you’re treated and the patterns you create in relationships.

Because anxious behaviour can trigger avoidance in the other person. And avoidance can trigger anxiety in the other person.

It makes sense when you think about it, right? If you’ve been on three dates and the other person suddenly says something like “I love you, I need you in my life, We’re meant to be.” you’re going to be put off. You’ll pull away from them in a big way, if you don’t end the relationship entirely.

Basically, when we identify clingy behaviour, it can set off alarm bells. You think “oh, this other person is WAY more invested than I am. We’re not on the same page. I am in danger of them getting closer to me, faster than I can handle.”

For an avoidant, their radar for this kind of behaviour is WAY too sensitive. They can take even a minor sign of interest and perceive it as a threat. And instead of talking about this, an avoidant person will do what they know how to do: they’ll pull away and leave you wondering what the hell happened.

This can trigger more clingy behaviour in you because you feel threatened by the distance they’re creating. When someone pulls away, it feels like a rejection. So you’re just trying to repair that hurt by bridging the gap.

It’s a chicken-or-the-egg situation. Are you being clingy because your partner is avoidant? Is your partner being avoidant because you’re being clingy? There’s rarely an easy answer to this question and, ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

It’s a cycle you’re participating in together. This push-pull can actually draw you two together in early dating because it’s like a rollercoaster you’re riding together. You’re both feeling a lot of intense feelings and even if they’re not always good feelings, it’s going to create a bond.

Of course, if you don’t find common ground eventually, then you end up building a pretty shaky relationship. The anxious feels like they’re being denied love and the avoidant feels like they’re being smothered. Eventually you want to get off the rollercoaster.

Understanding Avoidants

So basically, if you and your ex broke up, even if it seemed to be happening for another reason, chances are this was really the main factor at play.

Your ex feared the closeness you represented. They felt like they had to fight for their independence in the relationship…like they were losing themselves to the relationship and they didn’t know how to express that to you and establish better boundaries.

The good news is that if you want them back, you just have to interrupt this pattern. That’s it. Sure, there may be other small issues to work out but if your ex is avoidant, chances are this is the bulk of the issue.

And to make this happen, we have to really understand the other person’s point of view. So let’s go deeper into what sets avoidants apart.

First off, you need to know that I’m talking generally here. Having an avoidant attachment style–being an avoidant–looks different for different people. There’s even an avoidant personality disorder for people who use avoidance as their only coping strategy and completely shun the world outside themselves.

So chances are your ex isn’t that extreme. They’re not a lost cause. I doubt they’re even the worst that I’ve seen because I’ve seen some situations where EXTREMELY avoidant exes can still be won back. These are people who ghost a long term relationship to avoid even having a conversation.

And on the other side of the spectrum, I also want to say that just because your ex is avoiding YOU, doesn’t mean that they have an avoidant attachment style. If your ex never showed any of these signs while you two were together and are now giving you the cold shoulder, that’s a different issue.

Just don’t diagnose your ex as an avoidant just because they’ve changed since the breakup.

So as we go deeper into what makes an avoidant, try to determine how bad your ex’s avoidance problem really is.

Here are the REAL signs of an avoidant person:

First, avoidants value their own independence and so they often have fewer social connections and are less consistent with the people they do spend time with.

They sometimes struggle to make connections with other people because of their tendency to withdraw socially but that’s not always the case.

Some avoidants are quite good at friendship because it’s less intense than a romantic relationship. They don’t feel as threatened because they know their friends aren’t going to overwhelm them and ask for a level of closeness they don’t want.

One thing practically all avoidants struggle with is conflict. So during fights they may stonewall you or give you the silent treatment. This can be extremely difficult to deal with during and after a breakup, as I’m sure you know.

And even if they don’t outright stonewall, they’ll tend to avoid conflict by changing the subject, minimizing your feelings or even just telling you what you want to hear just to end the conversation.

Another hallmark of avoidants is that they’ll run for the door at the first sign of conflict OR commitment.

The Avoidant’s Secret

Now hearing all this you may think that avoidants don’t want closeness and intimacy with another person. They want to be left alone and all you’re doing is providing them a momentary distraction from the solitary life that they’ve chosen. They’re just less lonely than other people and they don’t need as much as you do.

But this is wrong.

Avoidants want that closeness and intimacy the same as any other person does, or even moreso.

And THIS is what people get wrong about avoidants. They think that they’re all loners who just don’t need others. No, they DO want love and affection, but they just don’t always respond in the best way when they experience it…because it scares them.

In fact, a lot of the time when you feel like they don’t care at all because they’re shutting you out, they’re really sitting there, furious at themselves because they feel they can’t connect with you. They hate that they run away and avoid things. They want to just hold you so bad but it’s like there’s a wall they can’t get over.

So don’t think that your avoidant ex is totally over you. Chances are they miss you and love you, they just don’t know how to show it.

The truth is that they feel threatened by closeness. They lack the emotional tools to deal with it and so it feels overwhelming and destabilizing.

So just remember: they don’t hate you, they don’t even really want space the way they seem to. It isn’t their feelings that are lacking, it’s their ability to follow through.

THIS is why I say that it’s actually easier to win back an avoidant than it is to win back someone with a secure or anxious attachment style.

Most avoidants come back because the reason that they left in the first place isn’t about any real issue in the relationship…not really. I’m sure that they seemed to have a good reason at the time but what’s really happening is that they’re making an excuse just to get that distance from you.

They think they need that distance to feel comfortable and safe but when they get it, they realize that it’s not what they wanted at all. That’s when they’ll start to miss you and, eventually, they’ll come sniffing around, hoping for another chance.

Because their reason for the breakup was a temporary heightened state of emotion. They were pushed away by closeness. And now that you’re apart, the reason you broke up is no longer relevant. It’s kind of a paradox. They left because you got too close but now that you’re broken up, you no longer have that closeness so they don’t have a reason to stay away.

Their major objection has been removed from the equation. They may think “okay, well I don’t want to get too close to them again, but I do need intimacy. And why would things be any different with someone new?”

This is a HUGE boon for you if you want them back. Just a little distance will convince them to give you another chance a lot of the time.

So does that mean you just have to reach out and talk to them and they’ll be willing to pretend none of this ever happened?

No, unfortunately that’s not going to work. Remember, they’re still avoidant and easily overwhelmed. So even though they want that closeness, you can’t just offer it up like that.

I know, it’s totally frustrating but that’s just how it works. If you come at them too aggressively, they’ll run away again because that’s just the pattern that they’re familiar with in relationships.

Winning Back An Avoidant

So what should you do instead to win them back? Well, first, now that you understand where this comes from, it’s going to be much easier to cope with and forgive your ex for their avoidant behaviour. And that’s the first step to breaking the pattern.

You need to understand that it’s not personal and that it’s not an attack on you…this is just how they deal with difficult emotions.

You need to think about your role in the pattern here, because, really, that’s all you have control over right now.

You can’t change them but by modifying your behavior and your expectations, you can create a relationship that works.

So think about all the times that you two dealt with issues like this. Let’s take a specific example. Maybe you wanted them to meet your parents and they shut that down immediately. You felt hurt by this rejection and they felt like they were being pushed or manipulated.

How could you have handled things differently? Well maybe, instead of asking them to meet your parents point blank, you could have started by discussing this topic with them more broadly.

You could say something like “how do you feel about meeting one another’s families? I’m not sure if we’re there yet but it’s something I’d like down the road.”

This puts the ball in their court. This way they don’t feel ambushed and you two are able to discuss the idea in a more abstract way. So if they say “I’m just not ready for that yet” it won’t feel like such a rejection.

RELATED: What To Do If Your Ex Is Ignoring You?

I think planting seeds like this can help you get the relationship you want with an avoidant without scaring them off. So instead of waiting for them to move things forward and getting upset when they don’t, plant some seeds and let them bloom.

Obviously, this is the kind of thing that’s only going to be relevant once you two are back together and moving in that direction, but it’s the kind of thing that you want to be thinking about now or you’ll wind up feeding into the same problems.

Now, I know that this is putting a lot of the onus on you for your ex’s behaviour. That’s not to let them off the hook. They need to work on themselves too but you can’t force them to make changes, ESPECIALLY not while you’re broken up. So wait until you’ve reconnected successfully to even have a conversation about this.

And even if they really push themselves to develop better coping skills and better communication skills, chances are they’re not going to completely change their attachment style. So don’t expect them to be a brand new person once you two get back together.

You need to ask yourself if you can live with this and still maintain your peace and happiness. You need to ask yourself if you’ll be able to stop yourself from contributing to the cycle that is keeping you two apart.

And, for right now, one of the best things you can do is reflect on your own behaviour and how it shaped the relationship and the breakup.

How To Treat An Avoidant Ex

But how should you actually treat your ex during this time?

First, as I typically do, I’m going to suggest that you go No Contact for a period of time following the breakup. This is pretty standard practice but it’s especially important with an avoidant ex. Remember, they need that space both to start to miss you and process the breakup, but also to get that sense of safety and independence that they felt was missing in the relationship.

This will go a long way to repairing what has been broken between you. You don’t even need to do anything more than that in many cases. Just getting some space will make them realize that they need you in their life and they’ll swallow their pride and come back to try again.

But if they don’t come running back because they’re stubborn or afraid to open up, or whatever, you’re going to have to make the first move to get things started.

Remember, despite their rough exterior, they’re actually very sensitive people so act accordingly…and don’t make any sudden movements.

Basically just take it very slow and don’t demand too much of them right off the bat. I know you’re ready to just jump back into a relationship but they need to ease in so that they can maintain their independence and not feel threatened.

And this is important at ALL parts of the process from how you approach them the first time after the breakup, to how you handle your first few meetings, right up until you decide to get back together and onward into the early stages of the actual relationship.

I know that you may not be used to interacting with them in this way. If you’re an anxious person, you’re used to connecting more directly but if you can master this, your ex will warm up to you and it will make the whole process so much easier, trust me.

And remember, this is just the beginning. With time, this more gentle approach will show your ex that you’re a safe person for them to get close to and will ultimately help you create an even CLOSER relationship than you thought possible.

So with that in mind, don’t make demands of them right off the bat. If they’re not ready to see you, don’t push it. Just talk, have fun together, and rebuild that relationship rather than worrying about next steps.

You MUST give them space during this process. So don’t text too frequently and if they take a little while to respond, don’t worry. Remember that this doesn’t mean they’re not interested, it just means that they’re still feeling things out and being cautious. You two have different ways of handling closeness.

It’s very important to let them set the pace during this process, at least at first. You don’t want to recreate the conditions of your last relationship. Sure, you may be able to get them to agree to get back together but we’re talking long term here.

Address Your Own Relationship Anxiety

Now, as I’ve said, this is a delicate process. It’s all about showing a bit of interest and then backing away. It’s like flirting. You don’t want them to KNOW that you want them 100%. You’re trying to create that tension that will keep them wanting more.

To do that, you need to focus on shifting your own perspective. To better connect with an avoidant, you need to address your own anxious behavior.

The funny thing is that anxious and avoidant couples are actually very common for a simple reason: avoidants struggle to connect and anxious people desperately want to connect.

So avoidants will put up walls and try to back away and anxious people will blow right through them.

In the short term, this is flattering for the avoidants who often feel like they’re difficult to love, and it’s flattering for the anxious people because they’ve won over someone who is so independent. But in the long term, it ends up being unsatisfying for both parties.

The avoidant feels like they’re being rushed and overwhelmed…it’s like they’re being asked to do more than they can handle. And the anxious partner feels as though they’re not being given enough love and always having to ask for more…not a very good feeling. We want to break this cycle this time around so you can have a more healthy relationship.

And since you can’t change your ex, you’ll have to modify your behaviour a bit. If you’ve made it this far, you’re already well on your way to making this happen because you’ll be able to see this pattern at work. When they pull away, you’ll know not to chase after them.

But it’s going to be hard sometimes. You’ll need to do your best to hold onto this perspective. Look at your life from a top down view. Remember that this relationship isn’t the only thing that matters. It’s not your only source of happiness here.

Whenever you find yourself obsessing over the relationship, over what your ex is thinking or feeling and you get that clingy urge, take a step back and breathe. This is the time to turn to the other things that bring you joy in life: your friends, your family, your hobbies. It feels counterintuitive but this will actually bring you together in the long run.

One thing that triggers an avoidant partner is feeling like they’re the other person’s sole focus. If you can show them that you’re independent and secure in your life, they’re going to be more attracted to you than ever because they won’t feel pressured.

And when you do see or talk to your ex, resist the urge to talk about the relationship, the breakup, what they’re looking for, who they’re dating, really anything like that. I know you want to know but answering these questions is not worth pushing them away, is it?

Your time is much better spent just chatting, laughing and reconnecting. That’s why I say to live in the moment when you’re with your ex. You can’t change the past and you don’t want to get caught up in what the future holds and miss out on the present.

Here’s another important thing to remember: don’t take their behavior personally. Remember that this is how they deal with EVERYONE in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that they don’t like you or don’t love you or want you. It’s the fact that they struggle to connect that is keeping them away.

So don’t go “wow I haven’t talked to them in a few days” or “they’re being so quiet. They must be over me. I should call them and see what’s wrong.” Try to remember that this is just a quirk of their attachment style and if you give them a little space, they’re more likely to come back.

Now there is another common pattern that I want to warn you about when it comes to avoidant exes.

It’s that they will often start things up again while also trying to keep you at a distance in the long term. So say you two will start sleeping together and hanging out every couple weeks but never get beyond that. Or maybe you’ll be “just friends” or you might even get stuck in the talking stage.

You’ll think “this is nice, but why aren’t we moving forward? I want a partner, not a pen pal. What’s going on?”

Well what’s happening here is that your avoidant ex is giving in to their avoidant behaviors and keeping you at a distance to maintain their own sense of self. They saw what happened last time you two got together and it scared the hell out of them. So they’re refusing to put themselves in that situation again.

But at the same time, they want you and they care about you. They really don’t want to lose you. And really, they don’t want this weird half relationship either. They just feel it’s too risky.

Again, don’t rush your ex. If this has been going on for a few weeks or even a month or two, this might be just a slow start. But if it’s been any longer than that then things have definitely plateaued and you’ll need to take action.

If your ex is treating you this way, you need to make your expectations clear and resist their desire to make this normal. So if they say “I just want to be friends” or “I’m so happy with how things are right now” do not share their enthusiasm. Make it clear that you need more from them or you’re not going to stick around.

I know that many people struggle with being this direct. In that case, you may want to use actions rather than words. So make them jealous through social media or by going on a few dates.

And at the same time, don’t lap up any crumbs of attention they throw your way. So don’t respond to late night booty call texts and don’t be their backup plan when it comes to weekend plans. Basically hold them to a higher standard and they’re going to reach it if they really want you in their life.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.