Why Men Don’t Open Up (How To Go Deeper With Any Guy)

It’s not always easy to get guys to open up and tell you how they feel.

But it’s necessary if you want to create a relationship that lasts.

If he’s keeping everything inside, it makes it very difficult for you to create a healthy relationship.

I’ll explain to you WHY men don’t open up and how you can overcome this limitation to get to know him on a deeper level.

Reasons Men Don’t Open Up

So why exactly is it that men don’t open up and share their feelings? Well it turns out that there are several reasons that men may be keeping this stuff all bottled up instead of sharing it.

1. He’s been hurt in the past

This is the most common reason men, and women, don’t want to open up. They trusted someone before and that blew up in their face. Maybe that person shared their innermost feelings with someone else. Maybe that person found out their insecurities and threw them back in their face. Whatever happened, they’ve been burned before so they’re afraid to open up again, even though they may really want to.

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Be patient with guys like this. It will take time for him to figure out that you’re not going anywhere and that you really are worthy of his trust. In the second half of this video I’ll go into more detail about how to get through to him but just know that it won’t happen overnight.

2. He doesn’t know how to

Many men aren’t used to having these kinds of conversations with anyone, much less someone they’re interested in romantically. While women are socialized to be more open and honest about their feelings, men are often taught to rely more on themselves and keep things inside.

This is why many men don’t have much practice with sharing uncomfortable feelings and insecurities. Again, time is a huge factor here but often it takes more than just time for a guy to open up if he’s lost touch with this part of himself. With guys like this, you’ll have to lead by example.

3. He wants to be self sufficient

Similar to number one on this list, men are taught to be self sufficient and not rely on anyone else to have their needs met. This is a holdover of traditional gender roles from the past but it still has a powerful hold on many people today. He’d rather pretend that these feelings don’t exist than put himself at risk by opening up.

4. He’s not in touch with his feelings

This is THE most difficult problem to overcome because it’s something that he’s not even aware of. If he can’t even access his feelings or put them into words, how is he supposed to share them with you?

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For guys like this, you’re going to have to be extra patient and try to figure out what’s going on behind that strong exterior.

How To Make Him Open Up

So we’ve covered why men don’t open up. Let’s talk about the ways you can nudge him in the right direction.

Be trustworthy

This is a key one that I think many people want to skip over. I know that YOU know that you’re trustworthy but unless you show him that, he has no reason to put his trust in you.

So be impeccable with your word. Don’t cancel on him at the last minute. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. And above all else, treat him with love and respect. Unfortunately there’s no shortcut for this one. It takes time but it’s always worth it in the end.

Take it slow

Remember that there’s no rushing intimacy. If you try, it always blows up in your face. So let things develop naturally and chances are he’ll share his feelings with you when he’s ready. Sometimes it just comes down to waiting and building a connection over a period of months.

This means you can’t push him to share things that he’d rather not. If he’s resistant to your questions, leave them for another day.

Use pillow talk

Sex is the place in life where many of us lose our inhibitions and feel free to truly share ourselves with one another. This level of intimacy continues for some time afterwards in the period of time we call the afterglow.

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Lying there all sweaty and wrapped up in one another’s arms can break down a lot of barriers and it’s a great time to talk more about things that you’d otherwise keep inside. Use this time wisely and try to get past his rough exterior to his gooey centre of emotions.

Leave the judgment at the door

This can be extremely tough to actually put in practice but if you can do it, it will change everything. You need to do your best to stop judging other people. Not just him, but everyone.

Now, there are always going to be people that you can’t help but hate, like the guy who cuts you off in traffic or that girl who pulled down your pants in middle school, but the more you focus on people you do appreciate, and the more you look for the good in people who you normally can’t stand, the more he’ll realize that you’re someone who he may be able to open up to.

Since one of the biggest reasons we keep feelings inside is to avoid being judged, the less judgmental you can be, the more he’ll be able to open up to you. Make sense?

Share things with him without expecting anything in return

Sometimes in relationships you have to lead by example. If you can show him that you’re not afraid to be vulnerable and talk about your innermost feelings with him, then he’s going to realize that it’s not so difficult after all. So be open about what scares you most, what you’re insecure about, and what you hope for in the future.

But be sure to do it without asking for anything in return. It’s not truth or dare where you two trade off embarrassing stories. If he thinks that you’re just sharing with him in order to make him reveal himself to you, chances are he’s going to clam up.

Express your interest in his inner life

One of the reasons that people in general don’t open up is because they feel like other people don’t actually want to hear that stuff. So you need to show him that you are interested in learning more.

The most powerful phrase you can use in conversation with another person is “how did that make you feel?” I know, it might feel a little like therapy, but there’s a reason they use that phrase–because it’s an easy starting point to discuss more deep and complex issues.

Emily Baker

Emily Baker is a dating coach and relationship expert from Vancouver, Canada. She has helped over 850 women (and counting) find the man of their dreams and create relationships that they can be proud of. You can find her videos over on LoveLearnings’ Youtube channel and check out her latest article here on LoveLearnings