What Dating An Avoidant Is Really Like

Is it worth dating someone with avoidant attachment, or will it be impossible to get close to them?

Will they get bored or overwhelmed and then just leave you?

Can you date an avoidant if you have an anxious attachment style?

The truth is that while it can be a challenge, there are actually benefits to dating someone with avoidant attachment.

It’s far from a death sentence for your relationship, but it will require a little work if you want to have the best outcome.

And trust me when I say that in most cases you can create a happy, fulfilling relationship with an avoidant that lasts a lifetime. So let me tell you what dating an avoidant is really like, what to expect, and how you should proceed. But first, let’s lay out the basics…

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

The truth is that a lot is said about avoidant attachment that’s just plain wrong, so let’s get this straight…

Avoidant attachment is one of four attachment styles. These four attachment styles describe how a person forms emotional attachments with the people close to them. That’s all. They don’t say anything about their value as a partner or as a person.

Avoidant attachment in particular describes people who struggle with closeness in relationships because of their tendency to avoid intimacy and conflict. They use avoidance as a strategy to manage their feelings and keep themselves safe.

This leads to behaviour like the silent treatment, stonewalling, and pulling away.

Avoidants tend to place a high value on independence and freedom and a low value on emotions.

Avoidance forms in childhood, when the child finds that their emotional needs are neglected or dismissed. They quickly come to believe that emotions are standing in the way of their safety and security.

From here, they develop the strategy of repressing and avoiding their emotions, as well as situations that trigger their emotions. And this strategy continues into adulthood.

What Is It Like To Date An Avoidant?

So dating an avoidant presents its fair share of challenges and opportunities. You’ll have to decide for yourself if dating someone with an avoidant attachment style is really worth the trade off.

It’s also important to consider that avoidants are not all identical. They vary in the degree of avoidance and how they use this strategy.

There are avoidants who have come to terms with their attachment style and are actively taking steps to keep it from impacting their relationships.

There are avoidants who refuse to admit that their behaviour can be hurtful and will fight against you at every turn.

And there are avoidants who have never heard anything about attachment styles and have no idea what’s happening.

You also need to realize that this isn’t some temporary issue that you can cure by talking it over or treating them in exactly the right way. This attachment style has been ingrained in them since they were a small child so it’s become a huge part of who they are.

You will be able to solve problems that come up, but you won’t be able to completely eliminate the issues that their attachment style will cause.

With that in mind, let’s jump into the first thing you need to know about dating an avoidant…

#1. It can limit the drama

If you’re used to those crazy passionate relationships that are equal parts sex and fighting, you know they get old, fast.

The thing about dating an avoidant is that–because they shy away from conflict–you may find that you can avoid a lot of the drama that can often make relationships miserable.

Of course, pathologically avoiding conflict is its own problem but depending on the issues at stake it can be preferable to constant bickering.

So whether you’re typically attracted to fiery individuals, or if you’re someone who’s always starting fights, dating an avoidant can completely flip this dynamic and allow you to enjoy more peace and comfort than you’re used to.

#2. You may not see problems until it’s too late

On the other hand, since avoidants tend to keep things to themselves, this often means that problems will stay hidden for far too long.

Your partner will keep their issues inside and let them stew and cause resentment.

This is why regularly checking in on the relationship is often a necessary part of dating an avoidant.

Because if you simply leave them be, these problems can stay hidden forever and come to poison the relationship between the two of you.

#3. Problems may be solved more quickly

Avoidants tend to have a muted emotional response, at least outwardly. Just as this can help to minimize drama, it can be helpful when it comes to solving issues that do come to light.

This is because they are more pragmatic and less emotional so problems are less likely to get blown out of proportion or talked to death.

Avoidants tend to be quick to accept your apology, to apologize themselves and to take action to solve a problem in order to put an end to the conversation.

They may also be more likely to defer to your way of thinking, if they’re someone who is able to understand and accept their own shortcomings.

Basically, once they figure out that you’re the one who is better at diagnosing and solving problems in the relationship, they may be more likely to listen to you and take your advice.

This won’t always be the case though as some avoidants can be very stubborn and stuck in their ways.

#4. It teaches you the value of self-reliance

If you feel like you care too much about what other people think and feel, avoidants can provide a great role model. Because of their focus on emotional independence, they’re very used to acting on their own to get by.

This attitude can rub off on you and make you more confident and secure than you were before.

So try going to your avoidant partner with your personal problems and ask them how they’d handle the situation.

While they won’t get it right every time, it can be very powerful to realize that you CAN put yourself first and act without having to agonize over the impact your behaviour will have on others.

And ideally, you rub off on your partner as well, giving them a bit more empathy and emotional intelligence.

#5. It can make you feel lonely

When I talk to people in relationships with avoidants, they often tell me the same thing: their partner makes them feel lonely.

This is because many avoidants need a lot more time alone than the average person and so you may find that your partner isn’t around as often as you’d like.

And then there are the times when your partner is around physically but mentally they seem like they’re on another planet.

They won’t participate in the conversation, they’ll be slow to answer when you say something to them and they’ll fail to really engage with you.

In some ways, this can feel worse than being actually alone.

#6. Avoidants are more emotionally stable

For the same reasons that they struggle with expressing their emotions, avoidant partners are often good at remaining composed under stress.

Not only can this help you feel more grounded and safe in general, it can be vital when it comes to emergencies and other times of increased stress.

So say you lose your job or your pet dies. An avoidant partner can be your rock—providing a soothing presence that can help you keep calm and get through it.

#7. Dating an avoidant can make you feel insecure

I’ve already said that dating an avoidant can make you feel more secure so then how can it also make you feel insecure? Well the answer comes down to how different avoidants act differently, and—CRUCIALLY—how you interpret their behaviour.

Some may prefer the “strong, silent” type who only says what they mean and only when it’s important. For them, silence is golden and compliments feel more real when they’re rare.

But for others, a lack of communication can feel like a lack of emotional connection which can feel like a lack of love.

So if your partner being occasionally distant is going to bother you, dating an avoidant might be a mistake because this can be a consistent problem.

Not knowing how they feel can send you into a tailspin and make you question everything. It can feel like you’re the only one who cares about building the relationship and strengthening the connection.

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At times, it can feel like they don’t love you or care about you. Even if you know that’s not the case, it can be hard to shake that feeling when your partner is avoidant.

This is extra hard for people with an anxious attachment style and people who suffer from self esteem issues.

And other times, your avoidant partner may react very strongly in a way you weren’t expecting. They may get angry or upset out of nowhere. They may storm off, go cold or pull away.

This is because avoidants don’t tend to communicate their boundaries very well and it’s easy to cross a boundary when it’s invisible.

#8. Avoidants are low maintenance

There’s a tendency in avoidants to solve their own problems and maintain their independence. While this can present problems—as we’ve talked about—it can also be a huge relief.

If you’re used to high maintenance partners who demand a lot of love and attention—people who expect you to swoop in and solve all their problems—an avoidant will be a major breath of fresh air.

At the same time, this quiet competence allows avoidants to be able to help you with your own problems. And because avoidants struggle to show you they care emotionally, they will often try to show you with their actions, by being helpful and giving.

They really can take care of themselves and you too.

In this way, dating an avoidant will help you figure out your own love language.

If you end up feeling unfulfilled and unloved, it’s often a sign that you prefer words of affirmation. If you find that you feel happier than ever, then perhaps quality time and acts of service are more your style.

#9. Your emotional needs may go unmet

Just as avoidants downplay their own emotions, they will also downplay yours.

So maybe your partner fails to listen to you when you talk or they try to fix your problems rather than just listening. These are normal problems that many couples face.

Where other people could talk about this and come to a resolution, avoidants may fail to acknowledge that the problem exists.

They may totally dismiss your complaints rather than apologizing and modifying their behaviour.

If this happens enough, you may feel like your partner doesn’t place value in your feelings and you’ll start to feel neglected.

#10. Avoidants Are Loyal

Avoidants tend to be slow to trust and connect with another person because they’re discerning.

They want to know that it’s the right person and the right relationship because committing is difficult for them.

That means, once they make the leap, they can be incredibly loyal and dependable.

Avoidants do not take relationships lightly so if they stick around, it’s because they’re truly invested in you and care about you. They’re selective and value their commitment once they make it.

So with an avoidant partner, you won’t have to worry about them talking bad about you behind your back, or taking someone else’s side.

Even if they struggle to connect emotionally, they’ll be there for you when you really need it.

How To Date An Avoidant

So as we’ve covered, avoidants can present both challenges and benefits when it comes to romantic relationships. If you want to minimize the bad stuff while maximizing the positive, you need to handle the relationship a little differently than you may be used to.

First, you need to give them lots of space. Avoidants feel stifled by too much closeness and they thrive when given the space they feel they need. You may feel like you’ll lose their focus by giving them this space but it’s actually the opposite.

Time alone allows them to appreciate you and love you more.

What avoidants really hate is pressure. They hate to feel like they’re constantly one step behind your needs, like they have to push themselves to keep up and give you what you want. This leaves them feeling exhausted and like they’re not enough for you.

When you give them space, it allows them to come to you and connect with you on their terms and this will actually bring you closer than actively trying to win their attention.

This will mean that–early on at least–you’re going to have a lot more time on your hands than you may be used to in a relationship, so you’re going to have to make your own mental health a priority.

Here’s a common pattern: you start dating an avoidant, you recognize that they need space and you give it to them. But you can’t stop wondering what they’re thinking and feeling. And since now you have more time to obsess, you basically spin out of control, lost in your own thoughts. I’ve seen it again and again.

You need to learn to sort out when the relationship is actually in trouble and when things are okay. This will help you calm your nerves but it will also help you figure out if this relationship is right for you.

Because people often get caught up in trying to force the relationship they want. They love this other person, and they think that if they can just get a little more love and attention from them, it will all be fixed.

But they end up living for the potential relationship rather than the real one, and that conflict between their expectations and reality can become really painful and confusing.

That’s why I suggest you find sources of validation outside the relationship. This is actually something that I suggest for all relationships, not just ones with an avoidant partner but here it’s especially important. Many people put too much pressure on their relationship because they let it become their entire world.

You need to find ways to feel confident and fulfilled that have nothing to do with your partner.

You need to establish community and other sources of social interaction. You’d be surprised at how many issues in the relationship can be solved with this simple fix.

But what about your partner? Surely this isn’t all on you to manage. After all, they’re the one with the attachment issues.

On that front, I suggest that you be very clear with your partner about your expectations and your needs.

This can be a scary conversation, especially since your partner is probably not the best communicator in the world, but it’s one worth having frequently.

Because avoidants lack some of the social skills that many of us take for granted and they also aren’t as aware of their own emotional needs so they often don’t know when they’re neglecting or mistreating other people.

So if you make it crystal clear what you need from them to feel fulfilled and happy, they’ll be better able to meet your needs. This is going to avoid confusion and hurt feelings because your partner is going to know what is expected of them.

That’s not going to solve every problem that may come up, but it’s going to allow you a base from which to grow together and create a more harmonious relationship.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.