If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, it can be very frustrating.

They seem to want closeness but when you give it to them, they push you away.

What is it that an avoidant really needs?

Well it turns out there is one important thing avoidants deeply crave but feel they can’t ask for directly.

What Avoidants Truly Need

Now, what is it this magical thing that an avoidant desperately needs but is unable to ask for? That thing that your avoidant partner wants more than anything is emotional safety.

They want to feel  safe from judgement, rejection or abandonment. They want to feel like they can express themselves without worrying about what you might say or think about them because of it. They want to be able to open up to you but they find it impossible without this key piece already being in place.

And really, emotional safety is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You can only connect so deeply with another person if you’re living with this massive fear of them judging you. You need that safety to feel like you can be yourself.

But avoidants have a higher bar for emotional safety than the rest of us because of their attachment style. So where most of us might feel safe after connecting with another person and getting to know them, this can actually make it HARDER for an avoidant to feel safe.

Because the closer they get to you, the more they care about you and the more any potential rejection would hurt them. And this is why avoidants will put up walls and display flighty, unpredictable behaviour.

Partly, this is because they’re wired to associate vulnerability with potential pain or rejection. They want that emotional safety so they can brave the vulnerability and truly get close to you, but at the same time, they fear it so they reject the steps they need to take to achieve it, such as open communication and sharing their feelings.

Why Do Avoidants Need Emotional Safety More Than Others?

The answer is in how avoidance forms in the first place. Avoidant individuals develop their attachment style as a response to unmet emotional needs during childhood. So maybe they grew up in an environment where vulnerability was dismissed, emotions were invalidated, or independence was overemphasized.

These are the kids that were shamed for crying and for asking for help. They weren’t given the intimacy they needed to grow and develop. Really, they weren’t allowed to be kids.

As a result, they learned to suppress their emotions and rely on themselves rather than seek support from others because seeking that support had always been a painful dead end.

And while avoidants find that they can get by okay with their own coping mechanisms, they feel like something is missing. Because no one is an island. We need other people to feel fulfilled and connected. Their emotional needs are still going unmet.

It’s like they’ve been living through a famine. And when you starve, your stomach shrinks so much that you can barely handle any food at all. Even if it’s right in front of you, you can only eat a very small amount or you’ll hurt yourself.

This is the avoidant’s relationship with emotions. They need this emotional safety more than anyone but they can’t just reach for it even when it’s right in front of them…they’ve developed an aversion to it.

The Avoidant’s Paradox

Avoidant individuals often exhibit behaviors that seem counterintuitive to their needs. For example, they might pull away when a relationship becomes too close, or dismiss their partner’s attempts at emotional connection.

This isn’t because they don’t care or aren’t interested, but because closeness can feel threatening.

The avoidant’s inner monologue might go something like this: “If I show them how I really feel, they might judge me. Or I’ll start to rely on them, and then they they’ll leave. I’ll be all alone and weak, unable to cope with life without them. It’s safer to keep my distance than risk being hurt.”

But even though they know it’s safer, it’s also incredibly unsatisfying. Remember, they NEED that intimacy that they’re denying themselves.

This constant push-and-pull of their emotions creates a cycle where they long for emotional safety, but push it away when it’s offered. The result is frustration and confusion for both the avoidant and the people who care about them.

So why can’t they just come out and ask for it?

Well we’ve talked about fear of rejection. They associate asking for closeness with rejection and invalidation. But that’s only half of it.

Because this lack of closeness leads to problems with understanding their own feelings and their own needs. Let’s take it back to the famine metaphor. Imagine you’ve been starving your whole life.

You’ve been living off whatever you can scrounge up but you’re used to going days without getting a chance to eat.

Now, do you think you’d be good at knowing how to cook or even knowing how to feed yourself properly? Probably not. It wasn’t a big part of your life so you’re not familiar with how it works, how to prepare it, or what you need in terms of nutrition.

In this way, avoidants have spent so much time suppressing their emotions, that they now struggle to even recognize their own need for emotional safety.

RELATED: What Fearful Avoidants Are Really Afraid Of

So they get into these relationships where they don’t let anyone get close to them, then they feel unsatisfied without being able to pinpoint why. They blame it on their partner or on the relationship or they say “I’m not getting what I want out of this. I guess relationships just aren’t for me. I’d rather be on my own so I don’t have to be responsible for anyone else.”

And this ties in with the idea that—for avoidants—vulnerability equals weakness. So I look at it like this. If you’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant, you’ve probably felt like your needs were going unmet. You reach out to them to ask them for more…more intimacy, more validation, more connection.

Now if you look at it from their perspective, you’d see that this scares the hell out of them. Like we talked about, they lack familiarity with emotional closeness—it scares them—so when you ask for it, they know they can’t give it to you.

So they may try initially, but ultimately they shut down, they dismiss your concerns and they pull away.

If you push them, they say “you’re asking for too much. I’m busy and you’re needy. You should be more independent like me.”

Now how do you think it feels when these emotional demands are coming from within? It makes them feel needy. They feel weak because they realize they need you to fulfill their emotional needs. As far as they’re concerned, they should be able to fulfill their own emotional needs and if they’re not, they’ve failed.

Because needing something from someone else is threatening to their sense of independence.

Asking for help leads to dependence on another person. Dependence on another person feels like a loss of control. Because now the other person can leave, or fail, or turn against them, and they’d have no way to stop it.

Emotional safety, by its very nature, involves taking that chance and relying on another person to meet your needs.

How To Create Emotional Safety For An Avoidant

So I know that I’ve made it seem impossible here, but it really isn’t. This attachment style stuff can feel like the most important thing in the world–and it is important–but it doesn’t determine every aspect of your behaviour.

It largely determines how you might react in particular situations because of how you relate to other people and your own emotions.

There are plenty of people who are avoidant and have happy, healthy relationships that last a lifetime. And there are plenty of people with secure attachment styles who can’t make a relationship last more than a week.

So don’t lose hope. Instead, let’s talk about the ways that you can create that emotional safety for your avoidant partner (or your avoidant ex) if you’re trying to get back together.

The first thing to know is that when dealing with an avoidant, you should NEVER try to manipulate them, or force emotional intimacy on them. I know that you’re only trying to help—to show them that they have nothing to be afraid of—but this is going to scare them off. There’s nothing emotionally safe about being manipulated into closeness.

Here’s how you can actually EARN that emotional safety, together:

#1. Be Consistent

Avoidants are always looking for signs that they can’t trust others. This is because of how they’ve been treated in the past. It’s also because they fear emotional closeness and so they’re looking for a good excuse to reject it.

And one of the major red flags for them is a lack of consistency. They’re very afraid that you’ll SEEM safe at first and they’ll start to rely on you, only for you to suddenly change or disappear. And if you show them you can’t be consistent then you’re showing them that it’s only a matter of time until you let them down.

So being consistent in your actions and words is paramount. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t create expectations you can’t fulfill. And don’t play games with them.

If you can show them that you are going to be there for them no matter what, you can start to build a foundation of trust. Show them that you’re reliable and won’t abandon them, even if they pull away temporarily.

This trust will allow them to feel more emotionally safe with you.

#2. Respect Their Boundaries

As I said, pushing an avoidant to open up before they’re ready can backfire in a major way. It can make them close up, go cold and pull away. Instead, you need to respect their need for space and autonomy.

Give them the space they need and let them come to you when they feel comfortable.

The problem is that since avoidants lack some of the emotional awareness that many of us take for granted, they might struggle to explain their boundaries in a way that you can understand. So be on the lookout for more subtle boundary setting.

They might get uncomfortable around certain subjects. They might be weird about introducing you to their friends or family. They might seem to get distant if you push too hard for closeness. This is them setting boundaries.

RELATED: Why Do Avoidants Cheat?

This can be a bit complicated to figure out, but the truth is, we all do this all the time in relationships. We all know HOW to talk to the people around us without most of them having to explicitly set boundaries.

This happens at a subconscious level but if we shine a light on it, it becomes a conscious process and we become much more effective at recognizing people’s triggers and boundaries.

#3. Create a Judgment-Free Zone

Avoidants need to know that they can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism or judgment. When they do open up, listen without interrupting, laughing or offering unsolicited advice. Empathize with them by validating their feelings and asking questions.

Saying “I’m sorry you’re going through that, I’m here for you,” may seem trite but it’s actually one of the most powerful things you can say to an avoidant to show them that you’re with them, not against them.

With that in mind, never turn their words against them in a fight. So if they reveal something painful to you, don’t use it as a weapon to hurt them. This seems obvious but I see it all the time. Something like “you’re so hard to get along with. No wonder your last partner left you,” can be quietly devastating in a way that your avoidant partner may never recover from.

Judgement is one of the things that they fear the most and if you can show them that you’re not going to judge them, this will go a long, long way to helping you two connect in a more real way.

#4. Model Vulnerability

One of the best ways to encourage an avoidant to feel emotionally safe is to model vulnerability yourself. Share your own feelings and experiences in a way that’s real but not overwhelming. This can help them see that vulnerability doesn’t always lead to rejection or harm.

If they see you opening up to them, they’re going to be more likely to do the same. Don’t be surprised if they don’t give you much back at first. Just trust that they’re listening and paying attention, even if they don’t know what to say.

But if you can be brave and keep it up, eventually they’re going to start to open up.

#5. Be Patient

Building emotional safety with an avoidant takes time. They may test your commitment or withdraw at times. Patience and understanding are key to helping them feel secure.

Remember, rushing into intimacy is one of the things that will trigger them to pull away and lose their comfort with you. So make sure that you’re really in this for the long haul. Don’t push them if they start to pull away.

It’s like we talked about, with a starving person. You can’t just expect them to eat a whole pizza right away. You have to let them build up to it.
It might take awhile but it will be worth it in the end.

And once you’ve created emotional safety with your avoidant partner, you’ll notice things start to change…

They’ll start sharing more about their thoughts and feelings. They’ll be more loving and attentive to your needs. They’ll start to initiate connection in ways that they didn’t in the past. So they may ask you about your feelings more or they might totally flip the dynamic and become the one pushing to get closer to you.

They’ll also be less defensive or dismissive when it comes to difficult conversations. And, ultimately, they’ll start to rely on you emotionally.

That said, this is rarely a straight line. It’s not like you can say, “they let me hold their hand in public, so by this time next year, we’re going to be married.” It’s different for every avoidant and they might still pull away at times and leave you feeling lonely.

Avoidants also need to do their own work to address their attachment issues. You can’t do it all for the both of you.

The Bottom Line

If you only remember one thing from this article it should be this: the one thing an avoidant can never ask for—emotional safety—is also the thing they need most. While their attachment style may make it challenging for them to seek or accept this safety, it’s possible for you to create it, together.

By being patient, consistent, and understanding, you can help create an environment where they feel secure enough to lower their walls and embrace connection.
Remember, the goal isn’t to change an avoidant or force them to meet your expectations.

It’s about fostering an environment where they can begin to feel safe enough to grow and connect—on their own terms.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.