Why Avoidants Will Always Ghost You

If you’re dating an avoidant, you’re going to want to hear this. The truth is that your avoidant partner has a very high chance of ghosting you in some way.

This is a common pattern for avoidants and it’s something that’s very painful and difficult to cope with. In fact, some of you have already had it happen to them once or even multiple times.

But the truth is that there are things that you can do to change this dynamic, to prevent being ghosted or even repair the relationship if it has already happened.

Avoidants–that is, people with an avoidant attachment style–will almost always ghost their partners at some point, in one way or another.

So first off, what exactly are avoidants anyway? I’m sure you have some idea but let’s drill down on the definition because I know some people see this differently.

So as I said, avoidant is just shorthand for what we’re really talking about here, and that is people with an avoidant attachment style. Everyone has their own attachment style. This is the way in which they form attachments with other people.

People with the avoidant attachment style—avoidants—really struggle to create deep connections with other people because they avoid intimacy.

They crave closeness like anyone else but the difference is that when they get too close, they start to feel overwhelmed, like they’re losing their sense of self, and so they tend to reject this intimacy by pulling away, going silent, and ghosting.

Why Avoidants Pull Away

Now let’s talk about how avoidants are prone to pull away from romantic relationships, without warning. And how they often do this when it feels like things are going really well.

This might not be as dramatic as disappearing completely and never responding to any of your messages—though it certainly can be—but I’m also talking about how they’ll just go cold, become distant and otherwise push you away.

They might freeze you out with the silent treatment. They might give one word answers or just generally go out of their way to show you that you’re not a priority.

Most often this kind of issue will crop up when things start to progress in the relationship, but there’s no time limit on this. Obviously big milestones like sleeping together for the first time, going on a trip together, moving in, getting married are going to trigger your partner’s avoidance.

OR, it can coincide with peaceful times in the relationship when your partner has a lot of time to stew with their thoughts.

This may feel difficult because I’m basically saying it can happen anytime without warning, and that is—unfortunately—the truth.

But what this means is that you shouldn’t try to avoid these moments of connection for fear of scaring your partner off. Obviously, if you avoid telling your partner you love them, or progressing your relationship, this isn’t worth the tradeoff.

And–like I said–it actually can’t prevent your partner from leaving because it can also happen when things seem totally normal.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to resign yourself to the idea that a relationship with an avoidant is doomed.

As I said, ghosting might come in the form of something smaller like them putting distance between the two of you and going cold. And even that can be avoided if you’re able to understand your partner and how to treat them.

Some people say that it’s unfair to put all the onus on you to figure out how to act, rather than on them to stop pulling away…and I’d agree. Ideally, they’d be the one facing their own issues and coming to terms with their attachment style.

But unfortunately, you only really have control over your own actions here so I can only tell you what you can do in this situation.

So the question becomes: why do avoidants do this? Why do they consistently ghost their romantic partners?

The bottom line is that they do this because intimacy feels very threatening to them. They want it, but it scares them.

And regardless of you or your partner’s goals, intimacy will naturally build up the longer you two spend together. And when intimacy reaches a level that makes them uncomfortable, their default is to take space rather than talk about it.

They know they should talk to you but they feel they can’t, for a few reasons. First off, regardless of who you are, this is a tough thing to broach with a significant other.

Feelings of being smothered, being trapped, being overwhelmed are really hard to discuss. Because it feels like rejecting your partner to say, “hey, I need some space.”

And if they’ve already been the one holding things back and keeping you at arm’s length—which is very likely if they’re an avoidant—then they know that asking for more space is going to hurt your feelings and lead to the kind of confrontation that they’re hoping to avoid.

And on top of that, it’s even more difficult if YOU have an anxious attachment style. And since anxious and avoidant relationships are very common, this is likely.

Your partner may or may not know the terminology here, but either way, they’re going to know how you treat them, what triggers you, and what you do when you feel like there are issues in the relationship.

Basically, if they pull away, they know that you’re going to get upset and cling on tighter. Which is exactly what they DON’T want.

So they’ll hold out for as long as they can. They’ll let the tension build and build and eventually this problem is going to come to dominate the relationship for them. Now they’re really struggling with what to do, and they feel like there’s no way out.

Meanwhile, as far as you’re concerned, things are totally fine. They’re hiding these feelings from you as part of their ineffective strategy of coping, whether they know it or not.

And some avoidants will actually start to resent you at this point. They’ll think “can’t they see that I’m at my limit here? I can’t spend any more time with them right now…” or “We just spent all day together yesterday, and now they want more?”

Of course, this is pretty ridiculous since they’ve given you no indication that they’re having these feelings. But this is just an example of how powerful these mental formations can become.

But back to the topic. When the intimacy becomes too much, your avoidant partner is going to take space from you suddenly and intensely, with no warning. Worst case scenario: you stop hearing from them entirely, and when you reach out, you get nothing back.

I’ve even had clients who returned home to find that their partner had moved out without warning and they never saw them again. Obviously this is incredibly extreme, but it does happen.

Then there are the less intense forms this will take, like your partner going cold. Maybe they respond with one word answers. Maybe they seem incredibly distracted and then get upset when you call them out on it. They make excuses but you both know that something has changed, even if they refuse to acknowledge it.

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And this is what makes this all so hard. If your relationship takes a hit, that’s one thing, but if you can never discuss it with your partner because they refuse to admit that it’s happening, then you’re never going to get anywhere.

So you probably feel pretty stuck and alone right now. It’s a tough battle you’re fighting. It can feel like your partner doesn’t care about you. Like they can just shut off their feelings for you because they were never that strong in the first place. It’s like they don’t actually respect you or need you.

And that’s actually quite far from the truth here. Because when an avoidant does this, they’re actually feeling a lot of very powerful feelings. That’s actually WHY they pull away in the first place.

They’re overwhelmed by their feelings of love for you. They’re scared of the future, of it not working out. They’re scared to connect more deeply with you and discuss their feelings and create intimacy.

They’re also full of guilt and shame for the way they’re treating you. Because they know that this isn’t fair to you, but they feel like they’re compelled to act this way.

They wish they could just embrace you and tell you how they feel, but that feels even scarier than pulling away from you.

Avoidants have gotten very good at hiding these feelings as a strategy to avoid dealing with them and putting their hearts at risk. So just don’t think that your avoidant partner is like a robot or that they don’t care.

The issue is that they do care and that’s what’s causing them to pull away.

To understand this, we’re going to have to get a little more specific here and talk about the two different types of avoidants: the fearful avoidant and the dismissive avoidant. This is a little technical but I think it helps to know where this behaviour is coming from if you want to REALLY understand this person.

So the dismissive-avoidant is the classic avoidant and the more common one.

People become dismissive avoidants in childhood when they’re taught that emotions are unimportant or even negative.

So maybe they’d get too excited about something and their parents would make them feel stupid for expressing their joy. Or maybe they’d cry too much and their parents would yell at them or shun them when they wanted comfort.

Another source for dismissive avoidance is highly enforced independence. So latch-key kids may form this attachment style because they felt like they had to do everything on their own to get by, including managing their own emotions.

They learn that they can survive and meet their own emotional needs—for the most part—so now when they see people seek emotional validation, it seems like weakness and so they dismiss it.

So how does this manifest? The dismissive avoidant is going to downplay emotions–both their own and those of other people. And it may seem like it’s because they just don’t care or they can’t empathize with you, but it’s more about their own discomfort with feelings.

This coping strategy of dismissing your emotions will come in handy big time when you bring up the issue of them pulling away. They’ll essentially try to gaslight you into thinking that you’re making an issue out of nothing.

It’s like you’re the bad guy for suggesting they even have emotions in the first place. As far as they’re concerned, if anything has changed it’s YOU because you’re suddenly making emotional demands on them even though–in their mind–they’ve done nothing to deserve it.

Fearful-avoidant partners are a little different.

They have a deep fear of abandonment but they also struggle with feeling overwhelmed by closeness. They crave connection but they also fear it. This creates a push-pull dynamic where they might come on strong, then withdraw when things get too real. They’re typically very emotionally conflicted about relationships.

So one moment, they seem to want you, the next, they pull away. They’ll be friendly, loving, caring and then totally distant out of nowhere. They’ll send mixed signals like this because they want that closeness but when they get it, it scares them and they pull away.

These are the partners that are likely to ghost you out of nowhere because they get so overwhelmed by their own emotions that they feel like there’s no other option.

The difference between these two groups can be subtle but it will be important to understand as we talk about how to handle them.

Stop An Avoidant From Ghosting You Before It Happens

So if you haven’t yet been ghosted by your avoidant partner, what can you do to help the situation?

Like I said, you can only control your own actions here, so there’s no guarantee you can totally stop this from happening… but, if you follow my advice, you’re going to set yourself up for the best chance of preventing this.

It will help you manage the intimacy in your relationship in a way that will hopefully break this cycle. Of course, your partner is going to have to be willing to treat you right but you need to do your best to meet them halfway.

#1. Manage your own anxiety

As I’ve said, many of the issues surrounding avoidants are made worse by their anxious partners. It’s a negative cycle. Your partner pulls away in a minor way, like by cancelling plans. Instead of taking them at their word—that something came up last minute and they’re not going to be able to make it—you immediately go into detective mode.

You wonder what’s really going on. Did they suddenly lose interest? Do they hate you? Are they going to break up with you?

And now this minor issue has become a massive one. And that’s the thing with avoidants. You don’t know whether or not your partner was bailing due to a legitimate conflict or because they were pulling away. And, because they avoid intimacy, chances are they didn’t do a lot to make you feel better about it.

But, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. Because avoidants go through this pattern almost constantly. They feel like they’re getting too close so they pull away a little. And after getting a little space, they start to miss you and so they come right back and hold you in their arms.

I get how this is frustrating, but you really have two options here: you don’t see your partner for a couple days every so often, you have to deal with some feelings of rejection, and then you reconnect and things are totally fine. Or, you can make it into a big issue, demand answers, apologies, and more closeness.

And you may even get these things, but ultimately you’re going to drive your avoidant partner away, because they’ll begin to feel like they can’t have any space from you without it becoming a huge issue.

So they may pull away less in the short term, but they’ll start building serious emotional walls to keep you out because they no longer feel like they have any other option.

I know that this is a really hard one to face for many people because it’s really not fair. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. You just need to ask yourself what outcome you’d prefer here.

So the question becomes, what can you do here besides reaching out to your partner? The answer is that you need to find ways to manage your own feelings without your partner’s input.

RELATED: 5 Signs You’re the Problem in a Relationship

It’s easy to neglect this. Life can be really difficult and lonely sometimes. And so when we get into a romantic relationship, we can let it be our only source of emotional regulation. Feel stressed at work? Spend time with your partner. Break your sunglasses? Complain to your boyfriend about it. Get in a fight with your best friend? Plan a weekend trip away with your girlfriend.

These are fine strategies in a limited way, but when you overuse them, they put a lot of pressure on your partner—and on the relationship—to fulfill your emotional needs in ways that aren’t always sustainable. And really, you end up relying on your partner rather than yourself because it’s easier.

So ultimately, you’re weakening yourself in the process.

What you need to do is find ways to manage these feelings without turning to your partner all the time. So hobbies are a great stress reliever. Physical exercise. Meditation. Relationships with friends and family. Talk therapy. Reading…whatever you can do to spread your emotional needs around is going to take a lot of pressure off of the relationship and allow the two of you to connect more fully.

You need to find validation outside the relationship. This doesn’t mean that your partner is totally off the hook, but just that you’ll have more resources to deal with these feelings when they crop up, whether they’re due to your partner’s actions or external factors.

#2. Let them set the pace

One of the main reasons that avoidants ghost, especially early on is because they feel pressured by their partner to move at a pace that they’re not comfortable with. It would be great if your avoidant partner could just talk about this with you, but as I said, that’s not very likely because of their hangups.

Instead, they play along until they feel like they can’t take it anymore, and then they ghost.

There’s a pretty simple fix here. If you start to feel your partner resisting, pulling away or otherwise trying to slow things down, change course. Trust your instincts that they’re getting a bit distant, and instead of trying to lock them down, let them take the reins for awhile.

This might mean pulling away a little yourself and waiting for them to reach out and make plans. It may be totally against your instincts but I think you’ll find that a little restraint on your part will draw them towards you more than ever.

This is especially true for fearful-avoidant partners. They think they want space but their fear of rejection will have them come running back to you as soon as they notice you pulling away.

That said, don’t overdo this one. If they think you’re truly done with them then they may just respect your wishes and maintain the radio silence. So it’s a fine line to walk here.

#3. Reframe what their behaviour means

It’s upsetting to feel rejected by your romantic partner. Point blank. But I think a lot of the bad feelings here are self-inflicted. You feel that your partner is rejecting you because you’re unloveable. You did something wrong. You pushed them away.

You need to understand that it’s way more about them, than it is about you. They don’t suddenly hate you, despite how it may seem. Chances are, they don’t even want to be away from you. They want to avoid the FEELING that is causing them distress…that’s all.

This is a simple shift, but if you can truly accept this then you’re not going to have to deal with a bunch of guilt and shame on top of the negative feelings associated with their behaviour. Really, it’s just a symptom of their own issues, rather than anything personal.

#4. Accept their avoidance

I think the biggest issue that people face with an avoidant partner is their desire to change the other person. It’s like, “things would be PERFECT if they would just treat me a little differently, and if I explain that, it’s going to make them see what they’re doing wrong and change for me.”

This is not how things work when it comes to dealing with avoidants, unfortunately. Really, you can’t control how other people are going to act. You can’t live in a “what if” reality. You have to accept that this is how they are.

They will improve a little over time, but ultimately these are their coping strategies that they’ve been honing since they were infants. All the well-intentioned conversations in the world are not going to change that.

So you need to decide if you can accept them as they are. Can you still love them, knowing that they may pull away at times and leave you feeling sad and alone? Will you be able to roll with the punches and reconnect, when they come back around?

If not, then you may have to just move on and find someone who can love you more consistently. But if you’re able to accept them as they are, you will find that most avoidants can make good partners, despite the occasional moments of disconnection.

How To Handle Being Ghosted By An Avoidant

But what if you’ve already been ghosted by an avoidant?

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that calling them, texting them, or showing up at their house is not the answer. The more you cling to them, the more they’re going to pull away. So what can you do?

Well first, you need to decide if you want to reconnect or move on.

As I said, there are a lot of gray areas here. If you dated for a year, lived together and came home to an empty house, then I don’t know if there’s a huge chance that you’ll be able to trust them again, even if they did come crawling back to you, begging for forgiveness. In this case, you’ll probably want to just move on.

But if things weren’t all that serious or you two just lost touch in a more subtle way, then maybe it is worth salvaging.

The good news is that either way, my advice for the first 30 days is going to be the same. Do not contact them. Don’t pine for them. Just act as if it’s over and begin the process of moving on.

Get your life back on track. Focus on work, hobbies, friendships. Distract yourself. Then begin to work towards your goals.

But if they reach out, then you have a choice to make. If you don’t want them back, then I recommend you simply don’t answer. I don’t think you’re going to get a lot of closure here. Unless they got lost in the wilderness for the last month, there’s really no excuse for them to ghost you like this.

But if you do want them back, then you should respond. Normally I wouldn’t recommend this. Normally I would say “don’t respond, go totally silent”

But with a ghoster, they need to know that you’d still be open to reconnecting. Because they know that they messed up and that you’re probably pissed so they’ll take silence as a sign to leave you alone for good.

So what you need to do is respond a little. Don’t give them the sense that you miss them, that what they did was in any way okay, or even that you’re open to getting back together.

Give them the bare minimum and let them work for it. This is when your avoidant ex is going to have to really fight for another chance with you, so let them do all the work here, at least at first.

From there, start to reconnect slowly, over text and then move to in person meetings. At some point, they’ll have to explain themselves and apologize but don’t press them just yet. Remember, they’re likely to run away if they get spooked.

Brad Browning

Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world's most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad's #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 130,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 400,000 subscribers and 50 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.